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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Traditional medicines, such as herbal remedies and acupuncture, are very popular in some countries. Those who practice traditional medicines claim that it is better than modern medicine in maintaining and improving health. Do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint?

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Introduction
In the past,
people
Use synonyms
 were treated basically with traditional
medecines
Correct your spelling
medicines
such
Linking Words
 as herbs and
acupunture
Correct your spelling
acupuncture
 in several nations.
However
Linking Words
, many individuals think the ancient
treatment
Use synonyms
 is better,
while
Linking Words
 others consider the modern one is more efficient. I personally agree
the
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 the modern
treatment
Use synonyms
 is much better than the former
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
although
Linking Words
,
we
Correct word choice
although we
show examples
 should not
neglet
Correct your spelling
neglect
 the previous method.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 in some states are
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
treatment
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is somewhat affordable for most individuals.
Inspite
Correct your spelling
Despite
 the fact
,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 it is cheap, it has
it
Correct determiner usage
its
show examples
 limits,
whereby
Correct word choice
as
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 science is rapidly expanding,
thus
Linking Words
 it does not have the capacity to treat
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will rather prefer to go to the hospital and take medications
than
Correct word order
rather than
show examples
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
rely on the traditional one, which is quite normal today.
Moreover
Linking Words
, ancestral
treatment
Use synonyms
 is not much used by individuals because it is not
more
Rephrase
as
show examples
 trending as in the past.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
medecine
Correct your spelling
medicine
also
Linking Words
 have it inconvenience
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
medecine
Correct your spelling
medicine
 we use today contains chemicals
which
Correct pronoun usage
that,
show examples
 in
excess
Punctuation problem
excess,
show examples
 will be harmful to
people
Use synonyms
 organism,
this
Linking Words
 is why some prefer taking traditional
treatment
Use synonyms
as compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to modern
because
Check wording
medicine because
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 it is
reliable
Rephrase
more reliable
show examples
. Along
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
, modern medecine are at times expensive,
therefore
Linking Words
 they will not have the choice to take the ancient
treatment
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I opine not to
neglet
Correct your spelling
neglect
 the former medication because it is more natural, reliable and easy to get
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
,
the
Correct word choice
while the
show examples
 modern
is
Correct pronoun usage
one is
show examples
 mostly
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
switched and flexible in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
due to
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 advanced methodology of cure. As a matter of
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 regarding the
circumstances
Punctuation problem
circumstances,
show examples
 I strongly agree that the modern ones are
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
better than the former.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part and keep the same view to the end. You say modern medicine is better, but you also say traditional medicine is reliable. Explain clearly why modern medicine is better overall.
task response
Answer the key idea of the question: health over time, not only cure. Add points about how each kind of medicine can help people stay well and treat illness.
task response
Give more full support for each main point. For example, say that modern medicine is tested in hospitals and can treat serious illness, while some herbs may help with small health problems but may not work for all people.
task response
Use one clear, real example. The hospital example is too general. You could compare a person with a serious infection who needs tested drugs with a person who uses herbs for a mild cold.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, reasons for your view, the other side, and conclusion. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main idea. For example: “Modern medicine is better for serious health problems.” Then explain this idea before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First,” “Also,” “However,” “For example,” and “Therefore.” Some links now do not show the meaning clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating or changing your point at the end. Your conclusion should give one short final answer that matches your introduction.
task response
You give a clear personal view that modern medicine is generally better, and you also try to consider both sides.
task response
You include useful ideas about cost, natural treatment, chemicals, and access to care.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “However,” “For example,” “Moreover,” and “In conclusion,” to connect parts of the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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