Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Today, more people pay too much attention to work and put their
friends
and families
last
. Of course,
this
can have a good influence on humans' future careers, but without support and love from family and
friends
, man can feel lonely and can go into depression. The benefits of
this
are undoubtedly less than the drawbacks. The main advantages of
this
statement are that workers will have more
time
for their jobs and can earn a lot of
money
. It is true that sometimes our relatives can take our
time
and bring some troubles.
For example
, my uncle Marat, and we usually say his name as 'rich uncle Mara'. My mother said that it is because he has no
friends
and family. When I was 10 years old, he said that the only
friends
could be business partners. The disadvantage of
this
is that he will have no real supporters and loving people around him. Every person will think only about his
money
and
then
it will possibly, just throw him or stop talking with him. There in our world, we have more important things than
money
. My uncle's mind is only now becoming understanding it. I knew it because he often started to talk about his
friends
and plans for marriage. In conclusion, some people can just lose their relationships with their parents because of work and
this
will bring them more
money
, but it will bring
also
loneliness from
time
to
time
and they will realize their mistake. So the cons outweigh the pros.
Submitted by Kawasaki on

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task achievement
The essay should provide a balanced discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages related to the topic. It currently focuses more on the disadvantages. Consider adding more discussion on the advantages to give a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are logically presented and linked. Improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
While you have included examples, try to expand on them to make your points clearer and more comprehensive. This will help to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You've articulated your points clearly and provided relevant examples to support your arguments. This adds credibility to your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps present your response clearly and concisely.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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