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Band 3.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. ​Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 at
work
Use synonyms
, school or in daily
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that competing is good,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that working together is better. From my perspective
cooperating
Punctuation problem
, cooperating
show examples
 is much more important than
competition
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
First of all,
competition
Use synonyms
 can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to try harder. When students or workers
compete
Punctuation problem
compete,
show examples
 they want to win rewards
such
Linking Words
 as good grades or career promotions. The main reason is that
competition
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 makes
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 harder
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can improve their skills.
For example
Linking Words
, many companies give bonuses to the best employee
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes everyone
work
Use synonyms
 with more effort to achieve their goals.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, working together brings much better results to companies
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 everyone in the long term. The main advantages of cooperation
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 can share their ideas to bring more creativity and solve difficult problems together.
In addition
Linking Words
, too much
competition
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 can cause stress and can cause arguments at
work
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 or at school.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, teamwork helps
people
Use synonyms
 build good relationships and support each other
on the
Change preposition
at
show examples
work
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, a group project at school teaches children how to communicate and help their friends.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
competition
Use synonyms
 can make
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 hard. But I believe that cooperation is much
better
Punctuation problem
better,
show examples
 not only
it
Verb problem
does it
show examples
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
people
Use synonyms
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 together
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 helps
people
Use synonyms
 build a happy environment to achieve success together.

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task response
You discuss both views and give a clear opinion. To improve, explain more fully why cooperation is better in daily life, not only at work and school. Add one clear example from daily life.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some points need more detail. For example, say how sharing ideas leads to better work, or how stress from competition can harm people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, competition, cooperation, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. The sentence starting with “although” should not also use “But”. Write: “Although competition can make people work hard, I believe cooperation is better.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea flow more smoothly. After giving a point, explain it, then give an example. This will make each paragraph stronger.
language
Check small grammar points: write “The main advantage of cooperation is”, “support each other at work”, and “helps people work together”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by discussing competition and cooperation and stating your own view.
task response
The examples of bonuses at work and group projects at school are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The main paragraphs focus on one view each, and the conclusion clearly repeats your opinion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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