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Band 6

People today buy more things than they need. Why is this happening, and is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a new topic has arisen in our society
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 people today buy more things than they need. Why is
this
Linking Words
 happening, and is it a positive or negative development?
This
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 happens because of advertising and the availability of a wide range of products in one place. Indeed, it is a negative development for our
budget
Use synonyms
 because it wastes our money.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, people buy more items than they need.
This
Linking Words
 is because of future needs, a high
budget
Use synonyms
 and diverse products. So, it is a negative development in our lives because it drains our emergency
budget
Use synonyms
.
For example
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,
last
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 week I went to the mall to pass the time. I found myself buying a laptop, but I already had one. All of that happened because of the discounts and advertising.
Therefore
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, I suggest setting a
budget
Use synonyms
 and writing everything down on paper before I buy something.
Body paragraph 2
Another important point is that
this
Linking Words
 happened because of misuse and a lack of awareness of financial difficulties.
In other words
Linking Words
, people who are careless about their
budget
Use synonyms
 will suddenly go broke in future.
For instance
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,
last
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 year, one of my friends bought a lot of food items without realising he had spent his
budget
Use synonyms
 for two months, so he needed to take a loan from a bank.
As a result
Linking Words
, everyone should have a clear vision of what they want to avoid negative effects.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both points show us how to deal with and understand what we have and what we need to avoid negative effects.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe everyone should clearly understand their expenses and requirements, including monthly and yearly obligations.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. Give clear reasons for buying too much, then explain more fully why this is bad. You mainly write about money, but you could also write about waste, too much food or goods at home, and harm to the earth.
task response
Make your main ideas more clear. “Future needs”, “high budget”, and “diverse products” are listed, but they are not explained well. Pick two strong reasons, such as ads and low prices, and show how each one makes people buy things they do not need.
task response
Your examples are useful and on topic. Make them work harder by linking them to your point. For example, say that a low price made you feel that you would lose a good chance if you did not buy the laptop.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. To make the flow better, give each body part one main idea. The first body part has many ideas at once, so it feels less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use links between ideas more carefully. Words such as “So”, “Indeed”, and “Therefore” are used often, but some do not show the exact link. Use “because” for a reason, “for example” for an example, and “as a result” for an effect.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view. The essay moves from “people” to “I” and then to “everyone”. This is not wrong, but it is clearer to use “people” for most of the essay and use “I” only in a short example.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph stronger. It should restate the main reasons and your view, not mainly give advice about what people should do.
task response
You give a clear view that buying more than needed is a bad change, and you keep this view through the essay.
task response
The personal example about buying a laptop and the example about your friend are clear and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example”, “In other words”, and “As a result”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant gratification
  • rapid advancement
  • instant communication
  • online shopping
  • fast food delivery
  • social media platforms
  • immediate feedback
  • recognition and validation
  • efficiency
  • productivity
  • convenience
  • decreased patience
  • delayed gratification
  • realistic expectations
  • work ethic
  • unrealistic expectations
  • stress
  • dissatisfaction
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