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Band 2.5

Scientists and technlogy experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

2.5 / 9
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Introduction
Doctors
Use synonyms
 and
Engineers
Use synonyms
 are considered more esteemed personalities in today's modern
society
Use synonyms
 as compared to musicians and
artists
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 point, and I will discuss my reason
latter
Use the right word
later
show examples
 in the paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Becoming
Correct determiner usage
becoming a
show examples
 doctor and
engineer
Add an article
an engineer
show examples
 is not so easy for students. Completing early education and passing difficult tests to take admission in medical colleges
demand
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 a lot of time and
efforts
Check wording
effort
show examples
. Meanwhile, their dedication to
work
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 and contribution
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 make them highly respectable.
Engineers
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 serve their country in technical
work
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such
Linking Words
 as providing solutions in
making
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the making
show examples
 of
bridge
Check wording
bridges
show examples
, buildings and more
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
Doctors
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work
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 day and night without
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 care of themselves
treating
Punctuation problem
, treating
show examples
 patients.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
society
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admire
Correct subject-verb agreement
admires
show examples
 them
due to
Linking Words
 their dedication to
work
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Secodly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, High salaries are paid to scientists and to technical
expertise
Check wording
experts
show examples
in contrast
Linking Words
 to musicians and
artists
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. People look
them
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at them
show examples
 with
the eyes of
Check wording
apply
show examples
respect because they
spent
Verb problem
have spent
show examples
 much of their time
studies
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 and serving
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they are
also
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 inspiration for the individuals and for their families. On
contrary
Add an article
the contrary
show examples
,
muscians
Correct your spelling
musicians
 and
artists
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 given importance as they promote culture and traditions.
Lastly
Linking Words
, people
appriciate
Correct your spelling
appreciate
doctors
Use synonyms
 and
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
engineers
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due to
Linking Words
 innovation in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
their respective fields.
Conclusion
In conclusion, profession of
doctors
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 and
engineers
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 are considered highly
regardable
Use the right word
respectable
show examples
 in
society
Use synonyms
 as compared to musicians and
artists
Use synonyms
. I strongly
with
Verb problem
agree with
show examples
this
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 their higher salaries.

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task response
Answer the exact topic. The question is about scientists and technology experts, but most of your essay is about doctors and engineers. Doctors are not the main group in the question.
task response
Make your main view clear in the first paragraph. Say how far you agree, then keep the same view in every paragraph.
task response
Give stronger reasons for why these jobs may be more valued. For example, scientists can help find new medicine, and technology experts can make safer transport or better ways to talk.
task response
Do not use high pay as the main reason by itself. Explain why people may respect work that saves lives or solves big problems. Also explain that artists and musicians are valued because they bring joy and share culture.
task response
Add one clear, real example in each body paragraph. This will make your ideas more complete and easier to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph about scientists and technology experts, one paragraph about musicians and artists, then a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from doctors to engineers, and the second paragraph adds several new ideas without full support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as 'Firstly', 'However', and 'In conclusion' are helpful, but make sure the next sentence clearly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion match your main view. Your last sentence is missing key words, so state your opinion again in one full, clear sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Check spelling and word form, as these can make the essay harder to read. For example: 'Secondly', 'musicians', 'appreciate', 'later', and 'an inspiration'.
task response
You give a clear view that you agree, and you try to explain why some jobs receive more respect.
task response
You include the useful idea that musicians and artists promote culture and traditions. This shows you see both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the basic shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some clear signpost words, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'However', and 'In conclusion'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic growth
  • public safety
  • scientific research
  • technical expertise
  • practical solutions
  • medical breakthroughs
  • renewable energy
  • digital communication
  • highly paid profession
  • public recognition
  • emotional well-being
  • cultural identity
  • creative expression
  • raise social awareness
  • preserve traditional culture
  • quality of life
  • a balanced view
  • make a valuable contribution
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