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Band 4.5

✍️Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. What are the advantages or disadvantages?

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Introduction
Some school leavers choose to travel or gain work experience before starting university.
Although
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this
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 decision may have disadvantages, I strongly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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after leaving school
students
Punctuation problem
, students
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 should take a period of
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 as it helps them to become more independent.
Body paragraph 1
One major advantage of
this
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 choice is that young people become more independent. Because they learn how to make decisions and solve
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 problems without their parent's help. They have to manage their money, plan their daily activities and take responsibility for their choices.
For example
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, a student who travels alone has to find accommodation and manage his budget.
As a result
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, they become more confident and prepared for adult life.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are
also
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 some disadvantages to consider. Some young people may
loose
Use the right word
lose
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 their motivation to study, as they spend a long time away from
the
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apply
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education. They may get used to
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 or
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
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 and find it difficult to return to studying.
For example
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, a student who spends a year travelling may become less interested in academic subjects and studying for exams.
Therefore
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, they may struggle with their university studies and get lower grades.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 taking a gap year can make it harder for some students to return
education
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to education
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 and may delay their careers, I believe it is generally beneficial because it helps young people become more independent, gain practical experience and prepare for their future.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your ideas stronger, add one more clear good point, such as learning about other people or finding the right job path.
task response
Your main view is clear: time before university is often good. Make this view even more direct in the first paragraph. For example: “I believe the advantages are greater than the disadvantages.”
task response
Your examples fit your points. You can make them more real by saying what kind of work or travel the student does and what they learn from it.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, good side, bad side, and conclusion. This makes it easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences start with “Because”, which makes them incomplete. Join them to the sentence before: “Young people become more independent because they learn to make decisions...”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For example” and “As a result” work well. You can also use “In addition” to add another point, and “On the other hand” to start the bad side.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same subject in a sentence. After “a student”, use “he or she”, not “they”, if you want to be very clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word forms and spelling: “their”, “lose”, and “return to education”. These changes will make the writing smoother.
task response
You give a clear good side and a clear bad side, and you explain both with useful examples.
task response
Your conclusion clearly repeats your view and adds the key ideas of independence, work experience, and future plans.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your writing easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “Therefore” to show how your ideas connect.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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