IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The values that we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent years, the question of whether learning from family or
school
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 plays a more important
role
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 in
future
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 success has emerged as a significant concern for the general public.
While
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 some individuals contend that the
values
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 instilled by parents and family have a greater influence on
future
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 success, I maintain that learning at
school
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 plays a pivotal
role
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 in both personal and professional development in the
future
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.
This
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 essay will elucidate these differing perspectives.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it is essential to acknowledge the significant advantages associated with learning
values
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 from parents and family. A crucial consideration is that family
values
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 play a pivotal
role
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 in shaping children’s character, which highlights that qualities
such
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 as politeness, responsibility, and honesty.
For example
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, it is noteworthy that children who are taught to be honest and responsible are more likely to earn others' trust and establish meaningful relationships in adulthood.
In addition
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, another important point to emphasise is that parents can provide emotional support and guidance.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that family environment enables children to develop self-confidence and resilience.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to consider the viewpoint that
school
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 plays a significant
role
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 in both personal and professional growth. A significant factor to explore is that students can acquire essential knowledge and practical skills relevant to their chosen careers, which enables them to develop critical thinking and creativity. To illustrate
this
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 perspective, one might refer to doctors who require extensive medical knowledge and engineers who need specialised technical skills to succeed in their professions.
Furthermore
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, it is essential to highlight that schools provide opportunities for students to develop communication and problem-solving skills.
This
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 assertion is supported by the fact that classroom activities and group projects encourage students to work independently, build confidence and become more capable of overcoming challenges.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 family
values
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 play a pivotal
role
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 in shaping children's character and attitudes, I believe that
school
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 education is equally important for
future
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 success. Both family upbringing and formal education contribute substantially to personal development and professional achievement

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task response
Make your view more clear from the start. You say school is more important, but the end says both are equally important. Choose one clear view and keep it through the whole essay.
task response
Explain more directly why school has a greater effect on success than family values. For example, say that values help people act well, but school skills are often needed to get and do a job.
task response
Develop each main idea with one more step. After the doctor and engineer example, explain how their school learning leads to success at work.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Add a more real and clear case, such as a student whose hard work and school training help them become a nurse or an engineer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, family side, school side, and ending. Keep this strong plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler links between ideas. Phrases such as “A crucial consideration is” and “It is noteworthy that” are used many times and make the writing sound less natural. Use “First,” “Also,” “For example,” and “As a result” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part state the main point in a direct way. Then give an example and explain its result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
In the family paragraph, the sentence ending with “which highlights that qualities...” is not complete. Write it more clearly: “Family values shape children’s character by teaching politeness, responsibility, and honesty.”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending should match your opening. If you argue that school has the greater effect, state this clearly in the final sentence rather than saying the two are equally important.
task response
You discuss both family values and school learning, so you answer all parts of the question.
task response
The examples of doctors and engineers are relevant and help show why school knowledge and skills matter.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part focuses on one main area, and the order of ideas is easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and linking words to guide the reader from one point to the next.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • future success
  • family values
  • knowledge and skills
  • shape
  • beliefs
  • behavior
  • emotional support
  • encouragement
  • academic education
  • discipline
  • time management
  • contribute to
  • extent
  • agree
  • disagree
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