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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The values that we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent years, the topic of factors influencing
future
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success
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 has emerged as a significant concern for the general public.
While
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 some individuals contend that the
values
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 learned from parents and family have a greater influence on
future
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success
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 than
knowledge
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 and
skills
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 acquired at school, I maintain that both family
values
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 and formal education play
equality
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equally
 pivotal
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role
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roles
show examples
 in shaping an
individuals’
Fix the agreement mistake
individual’s
show examples
future
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.
This
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 essay will elucidate these differing perspectives.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it is essential to acknowledge the significant advantages associated with the
values
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 that children learn from their parents and family. A crucial consideration is that parents
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a pivotal
role
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 in conveying positive
values
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 in their children, which highlights that qualities
such
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 as honesty, responsibility and perseverance can help them make informed
decision
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decisions
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 and overcome
challenging
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challenges
 in the
future
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.
In addition
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, another important point to
emphasize
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emphasise
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 is that family
values
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 can serve as an efficient way to develop a positive attitude toward life.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that children who receive encouragement and
emotion
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emotional
 support from their families are more likely to develop self-confidence and remain resilient when facing difficulties. What’s more, these
values
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 offer a multitude of benefits that extend far beyond mere personal development.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to consider the opposing viewpoint that
knowledge
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 and
skills
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 acquired at school are
equality
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equally
 important for
future
Use synonyms
success
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. A significant factor to explore is that formal education provides a practical means of acquiring essential academic
knowledge
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 and developing practical
skills
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, which underscores that these abilities can prepare them for
future
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employments
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employment
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.
Furthermore
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, it is essential to highlight that schools can serve as a means of developing critical thinking, communication and problem-solving
skills
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.
This
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 assertion is supported by the fact that students often
participating
Wrong verb form
participate
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 in group projects, presentations and classroom functions as an effective method for developing innovations, creativity, teamwork and collaboration
skills
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. More importantly, these
skills
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 play a crucial
role
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 in improving their career prospects and achieving long-term professional
success
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 family
values
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 play a pivotal
role
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 in shaping an
individuals’
Check wording
individual’s
show examples
 attitude. I believe that
knowledge
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 and
skills
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 acquired at school are
equality
Replace the word
equally
 important for
future
Use synonyms
success
Use synonyms

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task response
Make your view clearer from the start. You say both sides are important, but the question asks which has greater influence. State that neither is greater, or say which one matters more and why.
task response
Develop each main idea with a real example. For example, show how a child learns hard work at home, then explain how this helps at work later in life.
task response
Avoid very broad final lines. Explain how family values and school skills work together, such as values helping a person keep trying and school skills helping them get a job.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, family, school, and end. Keep this shape, but make the links between ideas more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use too many long link phrases, such as “it is essential to highlight” and “a significant factor to explore”. Use simple links like “First”, “Also”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Split them into two shorter sentences so that each sentence has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and agreement because they can make the meaning less clear. For example: “parents play”, “an individual’s future”, “equally important”, “make informed decisions”, “overcome challenges”, and “emotional support”.
task response
You discuss both family values and school learning, so your answer stays on the main topic.
task response
Your ideas about honesty, responsibility, hard work, confidence, and job skills are relevant to future success.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one clear main focus, which makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending both show your main view that home and school are both important.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • future success
  • family values
  • knowledge and skills
  • shape
  • beliefs
  • behavior
  • emotional support
  • encouragement
  • academic education
  • discipline
  • time management
  • contribute to
  • extent
  • agree
  • disagree
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