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Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 modern world,
smartphones
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 and smart devices have become common in daily life style and it is irresistible to use them.
Thus
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, there are growing concerns about the negative effects of using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 on adults, especially on
children
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons behind
this
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 growing trend and strongly argue that it is a negative development.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, the major reason why
children
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 are spending too much
time
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 using
smartphones
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 in the modern world is the excessive obsession with digital entertainment.
For example
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, when they pick up the
phones
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 and start using social
media
Punctuation problem
media,
show examples
 play the mobile games, watch the short videos, and reels appear and attract them to keep using it through contain eye-catching graphics, constant rewards, and personalised content.
As a result
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, these features stimulate the brain and create strong habits, making
children
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 more likely to continue using their
phones
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 rather than explore offline activities.
Body paragraph 2
Another important reason is that using smart
phones
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 have become crucial to
children
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’s social and academic lives. To complete their assignments and projects, many
children
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 rely on digital applications to connect and message each other and search for information on the internet. Nowadays, social interaction and learning often occur through digital screens to the point that it feels like
smartphones
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 are essential
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we must remain online to make sure anything is not missing out on something cool or interesting that might happen somewhere. Concerns are growing about how much
time
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children
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 will spend on their own devices, get hooked on social media, see harmful contents or spend too much
time
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 online without any intention to do so.
Consequently
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, they are compulsively addicted to their mobile
phones
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 to catch up. Unfortunately,
Smartphones
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 have
also
Linking Words
 been linked to delayed brain development and poor sleep.
Moreover
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,
children
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 are less attentive and concentration to the specific task
due to
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 social media, and it
also
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effect to
Verb problem
affects
show examples
 mental health.
As a result
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, Young people have it tough and real, serious challenges. The number of
children
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 and young people in contact with mental health services has risen in the past few years.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though
smartphones
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 have become useful tools for
children
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 for educational purposes and in their social environments,
it is clear that
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 the rise in
children
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’s smartphone usage
time
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 is driven by engaging digital content and the device’s role in communication and education.
Therefore
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, parents and educators should adopt an appropriate approach to smartphone use and set reasonable
time
Use synonyms
 limits for their
children
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give two clear reasons and say it is negative, but explain the bad effects in a more direct way. For each effect, show how phone use causes it.
task response
Use one clear example. For example, describe a child who stays up late watching short videos, then feels tired and cannot focus at school. This will make your ideas more real.
task response
Keep the main point clear: too much phone time is harmful. Some ideas about school work and talking with friends show that phones can be useful, so explain that the problem is long and uncontrolled use.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the second main part has too many ideas: school, friends, fear of missing out, harmful content, sleep, brain growth, and mental health. Split these into two body parts or choose fewer ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one simple order: main idea, explanation, example, result. This will help the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. For example, the sentence about social interaction, learning, and missing out should be made into two or three short sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'firstly', 'for example', 'as a result', and 'in conclusion' are helpful, but make sure the sentence after each link clearly supports the same point.
task response
You answer both questions. You explain why children use phones for entertainment, school work, and contact with friends, and you clearly state that this is a negative change.
task response
The point about short videos, games, rewards, and content made for each child is strong and relevant. It clearly explains why children keep using phones.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will discuss and gives your view. The conclusion returns to the main reasons and gives a useful idea for parents and teachers.
coherence and cohesion
Your first body paragraph stays focused on digital entertainment and ends with a clear result: children may choose phones over offline activities.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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