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Writing Samples
Band 7

Many children are overweight today. This is a serious problem. Give the reasons for child obesity and give some solutions to help these children

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Introduction
Society has changed a great deal , and that includes how
children
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 eat. Today , many
children
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 suffer from
obesity
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 .
This
Linking Words
 is a global and serious health issue.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for
child
Use synonyms
obesity
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 and solutions to help these
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons for
child
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obesity
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.
First,
Linking Words
they spend too much time at home. They stay home all day, playing video games and eating unhealthy snacks.
This
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 lifestyle involves a poor diet and no movement. Second, one of the biggest and most dangerous problems is eating junk food.
For instance
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, eating at Burger King and MacDonalds is very common for them.
Also
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, they can order food online anytime they want.
Finally
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, there is too much sugar in their diet.
Children
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 eat too much candy and drink soda often.
This
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,
along with
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 chocolate, creates a huge weight problem.
Body paragraph 2
There are many solutions to help
children
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 avoid
obesity
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. First, to protect the
children
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, they must do exercise. The physical activities are much better for their health .
For example
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,
instead
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 of playing video games all day, they can play sports outdoors. Second, parents and school play a big role in childhood
obesity
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. School awareness is very important to teach
children
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 that being overweight is very dangerous.
For example
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, parents must reduce the screen time to protect their
child
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 from getting lazy and becoming overweight.
Finally
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, sugar must be removed from their diet. They should snack on fruits and healthy treats.
Also
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, drinking water is better than drinking soda pop.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are many reasons responsible for
child
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obesity
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.
However
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, there are
also
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 many good solutions to solve
this
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 problem.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give reasons and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly how each reason leads to weight gain. For example, say that long screen time means less body work and more time for snacks.
task response
Some ideas are close to each other. Junk food, sugar, candy, chocolate, and soda can be put into one main point about poor food. Then add one more clear reason, such as busy parents or low-cost fast food.
task response
Your examples are on topic, but they can be more real and clear. For example, explain how schools can give healthy meals, or how parents can plan family walks after dinner.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this good shape. In each body part, use one main idea in one paragraph and develop it before moving to the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. You use 'First', 'Second', and 'Finally' well, but some links do not fit the idea. In the school point, the next example is about parents, so it would be clearer to make a new sentence or give parents their own point.
coherence and cohesion
Try not to repeat the same words too often, such as 'many', 'children', and 'obesity'. You can use simple other words like 'young people', 'this problem', and 'being too heavy'.
task response
You stay on the topic all the way through and give several useful reasons, such as screen time, fast food, and sugary drinks.
task response
Your solutions are practical: more sport, less screen time, healthy snacks, and water instead of soda.
coherence and cohesion
The main order is easy to follow. The reader can clearly see the reasons first and the solutions after that.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending brings the main message back.
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