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Writing Samples
Band 5

Walking is known to be beneficial for health but these days the number of people walking has reduced a lot. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this situation?

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Introduction
Walking is good for
health
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 and one of the most effective exercises for everyone, and yet these days
a
Punctuation problem
, a
show examples
lot of
people
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 neglect it and do not look forward to performing
this
Linking Words
 simple
exercise
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elaborate on some reasons and tackle the issue.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, these days,
people
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 who walk daily, whether for
exercise
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 or walking to school or work, are beginning to reduce it.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, technology means that a lot of
people
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 now perform their daily tasks in front of their computer.
For instance
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, if someone is working from home, they spend their whole day sitting inside their home, and after
work
Add a comma
work,
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 they feel exhausted and have no motivation to
exercise
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. Another one is cars
:
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 a lot of
people
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 can afford to buy cars now, so the tendency to walk to work or school begins to decrease.
Moreover
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, even though they do
exercise
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, walking is just not that frequent because of the heavy burdens that
people
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 face every day.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue, the government should have projects to convince citizens to walk more by creating parks beside homes and showing and promoting how walking can improve our
health
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 and lives. Plus, individuals should focus on their
health
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, not only on their career and goals. So,
health
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 should be the first priority.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, if the government and
health
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 sectors promote and give basic and general knowledge
for
Change preposition
to
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everyone
Punctuation problem
everyone,
show examples
people
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 will take good care of
themeselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 and they will
prioritized
Wrong verb form
prioritise
show examples
 their
health
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 more.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people walk less and what can be done. However, develop each main idea more. Explain clearly how work at home, cars, and busy lives reduce walking. Then explain how parks, safe paths, and public health ads can lead people to walk more.
Task response
Give more clear and real examples. For example, say that a worker may use a car for a short trip because there is no safe path, or that a town can hold a free walking day in local parks.
Task response
Some ideas are too broad, such as people should put health first. Add steps that people can use in daily life, such as walking for short trips, taking stairs, or walking with friends after work.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body parts, and end. Make the first body part only about reasons and the next body part only about answers. This will make the plan easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For this reason” does not fit before the point about technology. Use “One reason is that...” instead. Also, use “Another reason is...” rather than “Another one is cars.”
Coherence and cohesion
Keep each sentence clear and direct. For example, change “these days, people who walk daily... are beginning to reduce it” to “Nowadays, many people walk less than before.”
Coherence and cohesion
In the last paragraph, join the ideas with clear links and check word forms. For example: “If the government and health groups give people clear information, more people may make health a priority.”
Task response
You stay on the topic and give reasons as well as ways to deal with the problem.
Task response
The points about working from home and greater car use are relevant and easy to understand.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as “To begin with,” “For instance,” “Moreover,” and “To conclude.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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