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Band 4.5

Nowadays, some people believe that personal values are less important than a person's wealth and appearance. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In today's society,
materialistic
Add an article
the materialistic
show examples
 world attracts people more than
aesthetical
Replace the word
aesthetic
values
Use synonyms
. Some people believe that personal
values
Use synonyms
 are less important than a
person
Use synonyms
's
wealth
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and provide examples to support my position.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, physical attractions have
temporary
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a temporary
show examples
 existence, but
values
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goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
show examples
 from womb to grave
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 helps in character building of an individual.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
values
Use synonyms
 should be
teach
Wrong verb form
taught
show examples
 in the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 of
initial
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the initial
show examples
 stage of growth at home
as well as
Linking Words
 at schools, as it helps in
better
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the better
show examples
 upbringing of a
person
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, two siblings grow up together
one have
Punctuation problem
. One has
show examples
 moral
values
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 in bulk
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 helps him in
development
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the development
show examples
 of human bonds
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 he achieves his desired goals with their assistance, but another one believes in
wealth
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
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, which
indulge
Correct subject-verb agreement
indulges
show examples
 him in utopia
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 his ego becomes high, that ruin his personality and career.
Moreover
Linking Words
, personal
values
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 not only assist in making
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human bonds, but
also
Linking Words
 creates positive environment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 others.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 personal
values
Use synonyms
 are less important than a
person
Use synonyms
's
wealth
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Additionally
Linking Words
, money can not buy love, honesty and trust, but personal
values
Use synonyms
 definitely
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 to earn money and fame.
Massangers
Correct your spelling
Messengers
 of god are always high in moral
values
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, which helps them in bread and butter, and
also
Linking Words
 provides them
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 social connections.
For example
Linking Words
, a humble
person
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 always
grab
Correct subject-verb agreement
grabs
show examples
 the attention of others, but
rude
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a rude
show examples
 and egoistic communicator becomes bitter-guard in everyone's
eye
Fix the agreement mistake
eyes
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some believe that personal
values
Use synonyms
 are less important than a
person
Use synonyms
's
wealth
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
, which push them towards
evil
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the evil
show examples
 side of human roles. Some believe that ethics plays
pivotal
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a pivotal
show examples
 role.
However
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, kindness and
truthfullness
Correct your spelling
truthfulness
 are
keypoints
Correct your spelling
key points
 for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better lifestyle.
As a result
Linking Words
, aesthetic
values
Use synonyms
 are
core
Add an article
the core
show examples
 of achievements of realistic objectives.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 it is true that
values
Use synonyms
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 the attention seeker for society, as
all
Correct pronoun usage
everyone
show examples
 wants to live
with the
Change preposition
in
show examples
 positive surroundings, the benefits of personal
values
Use synonyms
 far outweigh the drawbacks.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly disagree with the statement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that personal
values
Use synonyms
 are less important than a
person
Use synonyms
's
wealth
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you disagree. Keep this view the same in every body paragraph. In the first body paragraph, one sentence says that personal values are less important. This is the opposite of your view. Change it to say that personal values are more important.
task response
Give two clear reasons and explain each one fully. For example, values help people build trust and strong ties; wealth and looks can change or disappear. Then show how each reason supports your view.
task response
Some examples are too general or hard to follow. Use simple, real examples. For instance: a kind worker may get help and trust from a team, while a rich but rude worker may lose friends and work chances.
task response
Avoid ideas that do not clearly support your point, such as people of God and bread and butter. Stay close to the question about values, wealth, and appearance.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. This is a good plan. Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then add an explanation and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as 'Firstly', 'Additionally', 'For example', and 'In conclusion' help, but some links do not match the idea after them. Check that every link shows the right relation, such as reason, example, or result.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. A few long sentences join many ideas together, so the meaning becomes unclear. Write one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words through the essay. Choose 'personal values', 'wealth', and 'appearance'. Do not change to 'aesthetic values' when you mean appearance, because this can confuse the reader.
task response
You answer the question directly and state your view in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You try to support your view with reasons about trust, love, honesty, and human ties.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape with a beginning, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and some linking words to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal values
  • Material wealth
  • Social status
  • Consumerism
  • Peer pressure
  • Integrity
  • Moral compass
  • Superficial
  • Inequality
  • Fulfillment
  • Ethics
  • Virtue
  • Aesthetic appeal
  • Socio-economic ladder
  • Superficial relationships
  • Conscientious
  • Personal development
  • Self-worth
  • Character assessment
  • Intrinsic value
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