IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permissio

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, many people think that
governments
Use synonyms
 may have
access
Use synonyms
 to people’s mobile phone call
records
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 and
messages
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 for safety reasons.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 the same time, Others believe that
this
Linking Words
 data is private and should not be available without permission. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that
governments
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 should take people's permission before
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access
Wrong verb form
accessing
show examples
 their call
records
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 and
messages
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.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main benefits for
governments
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 to have these
records
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 and
messages
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 is that they can catch any criminal at any time.
For instance
Linking Words
, when a victim
killed
Correct word order
is killed
show examples
 and the police have to know who
is the murderer
Correct word order
the murderer is
show examples
, they will track the
vicim's
Correct your spelling
victim's
 mobile phone calls and
messages
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 and search
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the murderer in all
relevent
Correct your spelling
relevant
 contacts or
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 sent her
messages
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 or
call
Wrong verb form
called
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 her at a recent time.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, they can use the calls and
messages
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 as
avidences
Correct your spelling
evidence
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, people will lose
thier privecy
Correct your spelling
their privacy
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they will feel uncomfortable.
For example
Linking Words
, when someone
call
Correct subject-verb agreement
calls
show examples
 his friend
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 he knows that his call will
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records
Wrong verb form
be recorded
show examples
 and
governments
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 have
access
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 to it, he will not talk comfortably and will feel
stress
Replace the word
stressed
.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they can use the
Use synonyms
governments's
Check wording
government's
show examples
access
Use synonyms
 to ask for help to find their mobiles if they lost them.
Conclusion
In conclusion, giving the
governments
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access
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 to
citizen's
Check wording
citizens'
show examples
 mobile phone call
records
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 and
messages
Use synonyms
 will protect and help them. Even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 will not feel good. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that the person
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to give the
governments
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 the permission and the
access
Use synonyms
 to
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 devices and try to deal with their uncomfortable feelings.

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Task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say that the state should get this data only when there is a strong reason, such as a crime case, and with a court order.
Task response
Develop both sides in more detail. Explain why phone data can help stop crime, but also why free access can harm people’s private life.
Task response
Your last part does not fully match your main view. You first say people must give permission, but then say they should try to live with their bad feelings. Keep one clear view from start to end.
Task response
Use more exact examples. For example, explain how call data may help find a missing person or link a suspect to a crime. Then explain how private talks could be seen by people who should not see them.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: first view, other view, then a last part. Make each body part start with one main idea and explain it before moving to an example.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. “On the other hand” is useful for the other view, but “Even though” is not used well in the second body part. Put the help-with-lost-phones idea in a new sentence or leave it out.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the last part clearer. It should sum up your two main ideas and give your final view in one or two direct sentences.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that do not fit the main point. Finding lost phones is not closely linked to state access to calls and messages, so it makes the paragraph less clear.
Task response
You answer both views and give your own view. This is a good start for the task.
Task response
You use an example about a crime case to show how call records and messages may help the police.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear paragraph breaks, and the reader can see where your ideas change.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful signposts, such as “For instance,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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