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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, if people have health problems,many do not visit doctors. They try to get better at home by themselves. Is this a positive or negative development.

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Introduction
Nowadays,many
people
Use synonyms
 choose to treat their
health
Use synonyms
 problems by themselves
instead
Linking Words
 of visiting a doctor.
This
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 is becoming more common because medicines are easy to buy and
health
Use synonyms
 information is widely available on the internet.
Although
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 self-treatment can be helpful in some situations. I believe that
this
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 is a negative development
overall
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 because it may lead to serious
health
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 risks.
Body paragraph 1
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This
Correct determiner usage
The
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 main disadvantage of
self treatment
Correct your spelling
self-treatment
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 may make the wrong diagnosis. Many illnesses have similar symptoms, so it is difficult for ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 to understand what is actually wrong.
As a result
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, they may take the wrong medicine or ignore a serious condition.
This
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 can delay proper treatment and make the illness much worse.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 someone with a high fever may think they only have
cold
Add an article
a cold
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 and stay at home.
However
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, the real problem could be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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dengue or malaria that
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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 antibiotics and proper guidance
of
Change preposition
from
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 doctors. Waiting too long before seeing a doctor more serious complications
..
Punctuation problem
.
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Body paragraph 2
Another reason why I think
this
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 trend is that information on the Internet is not always reliable.
many
Capitalize the word
Many
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 websites and social media influencers give
health
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 advice without medical qualifications.
please
Capitalize the word
Please
show examples
 close
this
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 information because it is easy to understand, but it is not always correct. Following
such
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 advice can waste time and
then
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 damage a person's
health
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.
For instance
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, some
people
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 try different home remedies
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this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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online
instead
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 of getting a medical
check up
Correct your spelling
check-up
. His condition is serious
,
Add a semicolon
;
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 they may lose valuable time before receiving the right treatment.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 treating minor
health
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 problems at home can sometimes save time and money, I believe
this
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 trend has more disadvantages than benefits.
People
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 should see
professional
Add an article
a professional
show examples
 medical
advice
Check wording
advisor
show examples
 when they have serious or unusual symptoms because it is the safest way to protect their
health
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your answer gives a clear view: this is a bad change overall. Keep this view clear in each main part.
task response
Explain your second main idea more fully. Say why wrong web advice can be harmful, and show the steps from bad advice to a worse health problem.
task response
Make your examples more exact and fully clear. For example, a high fever may be from many causes, so a doctor can test the person and give the right care.
task response
Be careful with health facts. Do not say that dengue or malaria always need antibiotics. You can say that these illnesses need quick medical care and the right treatment.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good four-part plan: opening, two main parts, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words at the start of each part, such as “First”, “Also”, and “For this reason”. Do not use too many link words.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete, which makes the meaning hard to follow. For example, change “Waiting too long before seeing a doctor more serious complications..” to “Waiting too long before seeing a doctor can cause more serious problems.”
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence has a clear subject and verb. For example, change “This main disadvantage of self treatment is...” to “The main disadvantage of self-treatment is...”
coherence and cohesion
In the second main part, “please close this information” does not fit the meaning. You may mean “People trust this information because it is easy to understand.”
task response
You answer both parts of the question by giving a view and reasons for it.
task response
Your two main ideas are useful and on topic: wrong self-diagnosis and bad health advice online.
coherence and cohesion
The opening states the topic and your view clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats your main view and gives clear advice to see a doctor for serious or unusual signs.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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