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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of people are buying what they need online. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both side individuals and companies to shopping online ?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It has been observed that these days everyone
change
Correct subject-verb agreement
changes
show examples
 their way from shopping at the mall to shopping online,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 change
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 cons and
pons
Correct your spelling
pros
 for both
side
Check wording
sides
show examples
, companies and individuals.
However
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will discuss the
advantages
Use synonyms
 and
disadvantages
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both
side
Check wording
sides
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 are many
advantages
Use synonyms
 for people from shopping at home.
For example
Linking Words
, if you
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 shopping
online
Punctuation problem
online,
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 you can
shope
Correct your spelling
shop
 anytime
even
Punctuation problem
, even
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in 2:00
Change preposition
at 2:00
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AM,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and
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 you have more options than shopping in the mall.
Moreover
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, if you want
exchange
Verb problem
to exchange
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, you just text the app
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they will send
to
Change preposition
apply
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you the driver to talk the order.
However
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, their is some
advantages
Use synonyms
, but the
disadvantages
Use synonyms
 are significant. The main example, if you like a dress and you want to
ordert
Correct your spelling
order it
, you can't
saw
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 the dress in real life.
Furthermore
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, you will be lazier than before.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, for
companies
Add a comma
companies,
show examples
 there are a lot of
advantages
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, if your shop start online
app
Punctuation problem
app,
show examples
 your sales will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
rise more than shope store, so the economic growth will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increase at the company.
Moreover
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, the major will
declined
Wrong verb form
decline
show examples
 more stores and
depand
Correct your spelling
depend
 on online,
while
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their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 are some
disadvantages
Use synonyms
, the company will have many problems with the
delivers
Replace the word
deliveries
,
also
Linking Words
 they should arrive on time, or they will give
costumer
Use the right word
customers
show examples
 a cash back.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both
side
Check wording
sides
show examples
 there are
advantages
Use synonyms
 and
disadvantages
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 if the company focus how to make the
costumer
Use the right word
customer
show examples
 happy and more
satisfaction
Replace the word
satisfied
, and society
try
Correct subject-verb agreement
tries
show examples
 to balance between shopping online or at the store, the
disadvantages
Use synonyms
 will
be disapper
Wrong verb form
disappear
show examples
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: the good and bad sides for people and companies. To improve, explain each main point more. For example, say how online sales can cut shop costs for a company, and why this may help prices.
task response
Some ideas need to be more exact. “People will be lazier” is too broad. Explain that home delivery may make people walk less, or replace it with a clearer bad point, such as wrong size, late delivery, or poor product quality.
task response
Use examples that clearly fit the point. Your dress example is useful, but explain the result: buyers cannot try it on, so they may need to send it back.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: start, people, companies, and end. Keep this plan, but make the start state your main view more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. In the people paragraph, group all good points first and then all bad points. Do the same in the company paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words carefully. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” work well. Do not use “however” when you mean “although” or “but.” For example: “Although online shopping has many good points, it also has some bad points.”
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences easier to follow by using short, clear forms. For example: “If a buyer wants to return an item, they can contact the app. A driver may collect the order.”
task response
You include points for both people and companies, so the response stays on the topic.
task response
You give real examples, such as shopping at any time, having more choices, and not being able to see a dress before buying it.
coherence and cohesion
The use of separate paragraphs for people and companies helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main topic and tries to give a final thought.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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