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Band 4.5

Children's Education is expensive. In some countries, the government pays some or all of the costs. Do the advantages outweight its disadvantages?

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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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children
Use synonyms
's
education
Use synonyms
 requires a high expenditure, which in some
countries
Use synonyms
 is totally or partially paid by the government. Personally, I think advantages
outweight
Use the right word
outweigh
show examples
 drawbacks in a substantial way.
Body paragraph 1
As years pass by, the
cost
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 of
life
Replace the word
living
 keeps increasing, including the
Use synonyms
education
Check wording
cost
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 of
children
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.
This
Linking Words
, in fact, accounts for one of the main
reason
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reasons
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 why the new generations struggle to have
children
Use synonyms
, as having them and educating them properly
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 becomes more and more expensive. One
solution
Use synonyms
 to tackle
this
Linking Words
 kind of problem has been found by the governments, which have taken
in
Change preposition
apply
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charge of
children
Use synonyms
's
education
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 expenditure, as in many
countries
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 they pay the majority or a simple part of the
overall
Linking Words
cost
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.
This
Linking Words
 effort brings,
consequently
Linking Words
, many benefits, as it supports new parents with financial problems, the creation of new
infrastructures
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infrastructure
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 services for teaching, the
emplementation
Correct your spelling
implementation
 of
education
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 employees
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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, ultimately, it encourages people to have
children
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 as well.
This
Linking Words
, indeed, results in a positive investment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having
countries
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 in which the governments pay some or the whole
education
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cost
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 leads to a disparity, as the problem is not equally tackled among them.
This
Linking Words
, in fact, penalises the less privileged people living across the
countries
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 only partially, or not at all, pay for the
overall
Linking Words
cost
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, making it, ultimately,an exclusive
solution
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.
Conclusion
Therefore
Linking Words
, I consider that governments paying for the whole
children
Use synonyms
's
education
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 expenditure, or even for a part of it, is an incredibly efficient
solution
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 which brings many benefits
among
Change preposition
to
show examples
 people's
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
solution
Use synonyms
 should be employed by all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 equally
,
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apply
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 in order
to
Verb problem
apply
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not
create
Verb problem
to create
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 differences in tackling
this
Linking Words
 one specific problem.

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task response
State your main view more clearly in the first part: public payment for school has more good than bad points. Then give two or three main good points and explain each one fully.
task response
Your main bad point is not strong enough. The fact that some countries can pay more than others is a world problem, but it is not a direct bad point of a government paying for school. Use a closer point, such as higher tax, less money for health care, or poor use of public money.
task response
Add one clear real-life example. For example, say that free school helps a low-income family pay for books, travel, and school meals, so their child can stay in school.
task response
Explain how each good point works. Instead of listing ‘new schools’, ‘more staff’, and ‘more children’, give one short reason and result for each point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, a part about good points, a part about bad points, and an end. To make it easier to follow, give each body paragraph one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use ‘This, in fact’ and ‘ultimately’ many times. Use simple links such as ‘For example’, ‘As a result’, ‘However’, and ‘Therefore’ only when they show a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences hold too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning clearer and stop ideas from getting lost.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use ‘government funding for education’ or ‘public payment for school’ rather than changing between ‘countries’, ‘governments’, and ‘this solution’ when the meaning is not clear.
task response
You give a clear view that public payment for children’s education has more good points than bad points.
task response
You include useful good points, such as help for parents with little money and better access to school.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: introduction, good points, bad point, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph returns to your main view and gives the essay a clear ending.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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