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Band 5

In some countries, people these days spend little time with their children. What are the causes of this? Whome does this affect more, parents or children?

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Introduction
In many countries,
parents
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 tend to spend very little quality
time
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 with their
children
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.
This
Linking Words
 can have several effects on both
parents
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 and
children
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. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 think it affects both to some extent, but little
kids
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 who need
parent's
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parents'
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 attention are affected the most.
Body paragraph 1
Life has become very hectic and busier for people specially working
parents
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. They have a burden of a full-
time
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 job,
kids
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 and family. Long working hours and
commute
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commuting
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 to
office
Add an article
the office
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takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
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 more than half of their day. Individuals work even on weekends and night shifts to support their finances.
As a result
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, people hire nannies to take care of their
kids
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 or drop them of to daycare. Little
children
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Linking Words
on
Punctuation problem
, on
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 the other hand, spend their whole day without their
parents
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.
In
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At
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 the end of the day,
parents
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as well as
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kids
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 get so tired and don't even have the energy to spend
time
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 with
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
.
Body paragraph 2
However
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,
this
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 type of routine
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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children
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 the most.
Kids
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 do not want the luxury or money from their
parents
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. They actually seek their attention ,love and
time
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. When
parents
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 lack in providing gentle love,care and quality
time
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 , it impacts their bond with them. They really don't get
attach
Wrong verb form
attached
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 to their
parents
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, and seek attention and validation from
ouside
Correct your spelling
outside
.
Additionally
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,
kids
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 having no strong relationship with their
parents
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 tend to be lonely and have low
self esteem
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self-esteem
.
For instance
Linking Words
, most orphan
children
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 are very lonely and
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
 because they lack their
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parents
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parents'
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 love and support.
Conclusion
Furthermore
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,
children
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 require their
parents
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 the most when they are little.
Similarly
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,
parents
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 want to
their
Verb problem
give their
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children
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 the max
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 when they get old and aged. If
parents
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 don't spare
time
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 and build a strong bond with their
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children
Punctuation problem
children,
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then
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consequently
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,
children
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 will
also
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 not be
their
Rephrase
there with their
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
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 when in need. To summarise, it's a responsibility of a parent to make
time
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 for their
children
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. Apart from busy schedules,
mother
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mothers
show examples
 and
father
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fathers
show examples
 should try
sparing
Wrong verb form
to spare
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time
Use synonyms
 to spend with their
kids
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.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task. Your main view is clear: children are hurt more than parents. To make this stronger, explain more fully how parents are also hurt, such as by feeling guilt or losing a close bond with their child.
task response
Your causes are clear: long work days, travel to work, money needs, and work at night or at weekends. Add one more cause, such as phone use or too much work at home, to give a fuller answer.
task response
The example about children without parents does not fully match the topic, which is about parents who have little time. Use an example of a child whose parents work late and who spends most days with a carer instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: causes first, then effects, then a final point. Keep this plan, but make each body part focus on one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example, write 'Because of this', 'This means that', and 'As a result'. Do not use 'Furthermore' for an idea that repeats your point about children needing parents.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word form or small grammar problems. For example, write 'This type of routine affects children the most' and 'they do not become close to their parents.' Clearer sentences will make your ideas easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph adds a new point about parents needing children when they are old. Move this idea into the paragraph about effects, then use the final paragraph only to sum up your answer.
task response
You give a clear answer to the question and keep your main view from the start to the end.
task response
You use useful real-life causes, such as long work hours, travel to work, and the need to earn money.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending gives a clear final message.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs well, and most ideas stay linked to the main topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work demands
  • longer working hours
  • digital technology
  • screen time
  • urbanization
  • commuting times
  • emotional distance
  • parental guidance
  • harmful behaviors
  • guilt
  • stress
  • missed opportunities
  • development
  • emotional well-being
  • social skills
  • family dynamics
What to do next:
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