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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art, which helps to improve the quality of people’s lives. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is
highly
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a highly
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 debatable issue whether
government
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the government
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 should invest
their fundings
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its funding
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 in building historical monuments, museums and other
form
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forms
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 of
arts
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art
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 or
they
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it
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 should focus on providing basic amenities to the
residence
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residents
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.
However
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, I agree to the latter viewpoint
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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reasons
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the reasons
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 for
this
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 will be explained in
upcoming
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the upcoming
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 paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, spending money on education and
medical
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the medical
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 system by
authorities
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the authorities
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 can help in improving the quality of life. To explain
this
Linking Words
, if affordable schools and qualified doctors are provided in all cities and towns,
this
Linking Words
 may help
individuals
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 to get
good
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a good
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 education and proper
treatments
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treatment
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 for their illness.
As a result
Linking Words
, citizens can live a healthy life.
For example
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,
residences
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residents
 of Ludhiana are highly
eduacted
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educated
 and healthy because
government
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the government
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 have separated and
enough
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provided enough
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 funding for these sectors in the city.
Thus
Linking Words
,
individuals
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 live a
high standard
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high-standard
 life.
Body paragraph 2
Additionally
Linking Words
, people can earn money and fulfil their needs if officials provide funds to grow job opportunities in the area. Nowadays, most
of
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apply
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individuals
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 move to other countries for better
career
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 options
but
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, but
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 if authorities focus on providing these jobs in their towns and countries, it can reduce these numbers.
For instance
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, a survey conducted among immigrants
of
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in
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 Canada claimed that
individuals
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 have to leave their families for
career
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 growth as there are lack of jobs in their home country.
Hence
Linking Words
, more
career
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 opportunities should be provided by
authorities
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the authorities
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.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
although
Linking Words
 building sculptures, museums and other forms of arts help to improve the quality of people's lives, I believe
government's
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the government's
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 spending should be done on other factors
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 education, medical and providing
career
Use synonyms
 growth to
individuals
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear: public money should first go to schools, health care, and jobs. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why art should get less money, not only why these other areas are important.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but some points need more support. For example, say how better schools and health care help all people over time, and why this is a more urgent use of public money than art.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to trust. The Ludhiana example is useful, but it needs more detail. Also, be careful with claims about a survey unless you can explain who did it and what it found.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this clear plan, with one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are mostly clear. Use simple linking words in a more natural way, such as “First,” “Also,” “For example,” and “As a result.” Do not use long phrases like “reasons for this will be explained in upcoming paragraphs.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph directly state the point. Then explain it, give an example, and end by linking it back to the main view. This will make each paragraph easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words too often, such as “individuals,” “authorities,” and “providing.” You can use simple changes such as “people,” “the government,” “give,” or “create.”
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the opening to the ending.
task response
You choose important public needs—education, health care, and jobs—and these are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion clearly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, so the reader can follow your ideas without much difficulty.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • art
  • money
  • government
  • fund
  • budget
  • balance
  • need
  • health
  • education
  • people
  • life
  • culture
  • city
  • public
  • work
  • job
  • value
  • benefit
  • idea
  • plan
  • result
  • access
  • equal
  • support
  • spend
  • care
  • society
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