IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a range of preventions
forming
Change preposition
from
show examples
 sickness, among which
environment
Replace the word
environmental
 and
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
 factors are believed to
be needed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
need more attention from
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 I accept that these factors play important roles, self-awareness and discipline
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 arguably of equal significance.
Body paragraph 1
Admittedly, there are justifiable grounds to believe that improving
quality
Add an article
the quality
show examples
 of living and surroundings
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to mantain populations’
health
Use synonyms
. Regular exposure to pollutants and poor sanitation in residential areas,
Body paragraph 2
containing harmful and infectious agents, are the root causes of
such
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 effects
asrespiratory
Correct your spelling
as respiratory
 illness, infections or chronic diseases. The risk of developing these
health
Use synonyms
conditions
Use synonyms
 can be
minimize
Wrong verb form
minimised
show examples
 by
government’s
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the government’s
show examples
 enforcement
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 emission standards and updating on housing regulators.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, to say that environmental and housing improvements alone are not the only major aspects, acting as preventive measures against
health
Use synonyms
 problems
since
Punctuation problem
, since
show examples
 individual knowledge and self-control
also
Linking Words
 significantly
their
Verb problem
affect their
show examples
 well-being.
This
Linking Words
 is because even people having access to adequate housing and essential facilities still
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
show examples
 to protect their
health
Use synonyms
 if their lifestyles are not well-controlled,with
such
Linking Words
 behaviours like smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and a lack of physical activity.
As a result
Linking Words
, abandoning unhealthy habits, promoting
health
Use synonyms
 education show positive impacts on
health
Use synonyms
conditions
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should encourage individuals to adopt healthier lifestyles.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that reducing environmental pollution and improving housing
conditions
Use synonyms
 are essential to protecting public
health
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, these measures should be accompanied by
health
Use synonyms
 education and efforts to encourage healthier lifestyles, as both environmental
conditions
Use synonyms
 and individual behaviour play equally important roles in disease prevention.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You partly agree, but say exactly how far you agree and keep this view the same in all parts.
task response
Give one clear real example for each main point. For example, say how dirty air can cause lung problems, and how a stop-smoking program can help people stay well.
task response
Develop the point about housing more. Explain how damp homes, poor water, or crowded rooms can spread illness.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-part shape is clear: start, two main parts, and end. Keep one main idea in each body part and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are hard to follow, such as the sentence ending after "residential areas". Check that every sentence has a full main verb and a clear meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple joining words in a more natural way: "For example", "This means that", "As a result", and "However". Do not put too many ideas into one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between your points clearer. In the second body part, say that government action is still needed, but it should also help people make healthy daily choices.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view: public action and personal choices both matter.
task response
Your ideas are on topic. Pollution, poor homes, smoking, drink, and exercise are all linked to health.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start and a clear end, and the end restates your main view well.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful contrast words such as "While", "However", and "As a result" to show the change between ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
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