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Writing Samples
Band 3

Today many people work until a later age. Do the advantages of this outhweight the disadvantages

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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 many members of society work until a later age. It is commonly
believe
Wrong verb form
believed
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 that working until a later age obtain a financial security. Some
people
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 think that working into
ultimate
Add an article
an ultimate
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 age allows
people
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 to stay active and full of energy ,
whereas
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 others hold the view that when
people
Use synonyms
 get a job for
long
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a long
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time
Use synonyms
 that leads to
healthy
Replace the word
health
 problems and spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with family.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives and express my personal opinion.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, older
people
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 who
working
Verb problem
have been working
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 for a long
time
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 can increase their
saving
Replace the word
savings
 and become more financially independent.
This
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 is because
containing
Verb problem
apply
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working over
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time
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 allows
people
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 to build their financial security and feel financially comfortable .
Furthermore
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, working can
support
Verb problem
help
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 older
people
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 stay active and
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
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 useful.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 older
people
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 can socialise with
people
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 using their skills and experience.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
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,
people
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 who
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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 into
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 older may face
healthy problem
Check wording
health problems
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.
This
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mainly
Correct word order
is mainly due to his immunity being
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due to
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 his immunity is weak
and
Correct word choice
, which
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 might make it difficult to work long hours.
In addition
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 . One major drawback is spending less
time
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 with family because working takes up a significant amount of
people
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’s
time
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.
Conclusion
In summary ,
although
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 both arguments have their strengths, I personally believe that working for older
people
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 is damaging their health and
relationship
Check wording
relationships
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.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. Say if the good points are greater than the bad points, and keep this same view from the first part to the end.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: money, staying active, health, and family time. Explain each idea more fully. Show why it happens and what result it has.
task response
Use a more real example. For example, an older worker may save more money for rent and food, but long hours may make a person tired and ill.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: first part, good points, bad points, and final part. Your essay mostly has this plan, but some ideas need more support.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. In the first body part, write about money and staying active with clear links. In the second, write about health and family time.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: "First", "Also", "However", "As a result", and "In conclusion". Do not put a full stop after "In addition" before the idea is complete.
coherence and cohesion
Check who you mean by words such as "his". Use "their" or "older people" because you are talking about people in general.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic and give your own view in the final part.
task response
Your points about money, health, and family are useful and fit the question well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, two main body parts, and a final part, so the reader can follow your main plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links, such as "To begin with", "Furthermore", and "On the contrary".
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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