IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesi ty and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Obesity is a major problem in some countries around the world. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
should be more restrict the
Correct word order
there should be more restrictions on
show examples
 fast-
food
Use synonyms
 advertising
Linking Words
consequently
Punctuation problem
, consequently
show examples
 helping to decrease the obesity numbers.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 do not think
this
Linking Words
 is a real problem and should not be
restrict
Wrong verb form
restricted
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views and why I believe that junk
food
Use synonyms
advirstising
Correct your spelling
advertising
 should be less popular than it
seen
Verb problem
is
show examples
 today. On one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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people
Use synonyms
 believe that fast
food
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
 a cheaper way
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
Use synonyms
eat
Verb problem
to eat
show examples
 their meals, with huge
food
Use synonyms
 companies investing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their marketing to
achieve
Verb problem
attract
show examples
 more and more
people
Use synonyms
 with promotions . For exemple the money spent to have a clean meal is much more expensive than
hambuger
Correct your spelling
a hamburger
 at Mc Donalds
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 go for the easiest and
convenient
Rephrase
most convenient
show examples
 junk
food
Use synonyms
 way.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 the
low cost
Correct your spelling
low-cost
 price paid for
those
Fix the agreement mistake
that
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 may become a
serius
Correct your spelling
serious
 health problem in the future.

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task response
Your answer starts the topic well, but it is not complete. You need to discuss both sides: why ads may cause obesity and why some people say ads are not the main cause. Then give your own clear view at the end.
task response
Explain each main idea more. For example, say how ads can make children want fast food, and why low prices may lead people to buy it more often. For the other side, explain that people can choose what they eat and that little exercise may also cause obesity.
task response
Your McDonald's example is useful. Make it clearer and more exact: compare the price and ease of a fast-food meal with a healthy meal, then link this to weight gain.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph for banning ads, one paragraph against banning ads, and a final paragraph with your view.
coherence and cohesion
Your first body paragraph has a main point, but some sentences are hard to follow. Put one idea in each sentence and use simple links such as 'First', 'For example', 'However', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Add a final paragraph. It should repeat your view in clear words and give a short reason for it.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and sentence order. For example, write 'there should be more limits on fast-food ads' rather than 'should be more restrict the fast-food advertising'.
task response
You give a clear view that junk-food ads should be less common.
task response
You use a relevant real-life example about low-cost fast food and McDonald's.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction tells the reader that you will look at both views.
coherence and cohesion
You use a contrast word, 'However', to show the health risk after talking about low prices.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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