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Band 5.5

Children have more freedom than in the past. Is this a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
The young generation in the present time is more independent than in the past. I believe it would be a significantly positive development
due to
Linking Words
maintaining
Correct word choice
overcoming
show examples
 difficulties,
as well as
Linking Words
 enhancing their career opportunities.
Body paragraph 1
People
Use synonyms
 have changed over time
adapting
Punctuation problem
, adapting
show examples
 to the new environment.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, the youth in
Body paragraph 2
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
In this
show examples
 modern era, are more futuristic and advanced in every aspect of their lives, leading to greater
independent
Replace the word
independence
 than the previous generations. Nowadays, everything is going to be competitive, that increase the complication.
As a result
Linking Words
, the youngsters resolve the issues by using new technology
instead
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 of relying on other
people
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 behaviour makes them more confident to handle the toughest situations by improving their reasoning ability. A study proved that the newest generation had better problem-solving skills compared to the past, where the other performance rate achieved its peak.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
Linking Words
, independent individuals always get more job opportunities because they have many beneficial qualities,
such
Linking Words
 as leadership, time management skills, etc. Recently, the youth have applied mostly for the corporate fields
due to
Linking Words
 well-structured facilities. The competition is gradually increasing compared to the government sectors.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
people
Use synonyms
 who are organised, responsible, and have better communication skills are prioritised by different companies.
As a result
Linking Words
, the younger
people
Use synonyms
 are offered many job opportunities to improve their careers. Some recent research stated that the new generations were hired more than in the past, with excellent career prospects.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, maintaining hard circumstances with better job openings is a beneficial development experienced more in the independent younger generation than in the past.

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task response
State your main view more clearly: more freedom is positive, but only when adults set safe rules. This makes your answer more direct.
task response
Explain what “freedom” means for children. For example, it can mean choosing hobbies, going out with friends, or making small daily choices. Your essay often talks about young workers, not children.
task response
Keep your ideas close to the question. Job chances and corporate work are not strong points for a topic about children. Use child-based ideas, such as learning to make choices, building confidence, and dealing with small problems.
task response
Give real and clear examples. For instance, a child who chooses a sport may learn to plan time and keep trying after a loss. This supports your point better than saying that a study proved it.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. However, the first body part has some unclear links. Make each paragraph follow one simple path: main idea, why it is true, then an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For this reason,” “as a result,” and “consequently” are used many times. Use them only when the next sentence truly shows a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main points match the end. The end says children can deal with hard times and get better jobs, but the body should show these points with clear child-focused detail.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear lines such as “the other performance rate achieved its peak.” Say exactly what happened, or remove the line. Clear, short sentences are easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear positive view from the start, and you try to explain why freedom can help young people.
task response
The idea that freedom can build confidence and problem-solving is useful and fits the topic when it is linked clearly to children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear overall shape: an opening, two main parts, and a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking phrases to show cause and result, which helps the reader see your main direction.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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