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Band 5

Some people believe that the best way to teach children to behave well is through punishment, others disagree and point out that rewarding and praising them is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
People have differences of opinion when it comes to
discipling
Correct your spelling
disciplining
children
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 to
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
match
up to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the best
behaviour
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.
While
Linking Words
 some agree
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
that this
show examples
 strategy of teaching
children
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 is through
punishment
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Correct word choice
,
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while
Linking Words
 others counteract it by saying that rewarding and praising
children
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 is a way to help reach the goal of
this
Linking Words
 regulation. I personally believe that
children
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 should be understood and courageous through positive manner in order to behave well.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why
children
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 should be praised for behaving rationally. One of them
being
Wrong verb form
is
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 encouraging
children
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 to develop satisfactory habits.
In
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addition
Add a comma
addition,
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children
Use synonyms
 may feel more motivated to maintain good
behaviour
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 when their efforts are recognised and appreciated by their parents.
For example
Linking Words
, when parents praise their
children
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 for completing their homework or helping others,
children
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 are more likely to repeat those positive actions. These
repetition
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repetitions
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 in patterns will allow
children
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 to enhance their appropriate
behaviour
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 and help build their confidence levels.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people debate that
punishment
Use synonyms
 is an effective way to discipline
children
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because
punishment
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 can teach
children
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 that every action has a specific consequence and discourage them from repeating inappropriate
behaviour
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.
Such
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 as if a child has failed to complete homework
due to
Linking Words
 high screen time.
As a result
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,
children
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 may become more responsible and learn to follow rules
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 helps them make sensible choices.
However
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, looking from the
children
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's point of view
excessive
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, excessive
show examples
punishment
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 may divert the goal of
the disciple
Check wording
discipline
show examples
 to anxiety and fear, which may prevent them from understanding the reasons behind their mistakes.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
punishment
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 can help recognise the
consequence
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consequences
show examples
 of irrational actions, rewards and praise are
more potentially
Correct word order
potentially more
show examples
 positive approaches.
Therefore
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, I believe that an appreciated reinforcement combined with reasonable
punishment
Use synonyms
 is the best way to teach a child to behave well.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. The praise side has more detail, so add one more clear point about why some parents use punishment.
task response
State your own view in a direct way at the start and keep it the same at the end. You support praise most, but also say that some punishment can be used. Explain what “reasonable punishment” means, such as taking away screen time.
task response
Make your examples more clear. For example, say that a child who is praised for doing homework may want to do it again. For punishment, explain that less screen time can show a clear result of not doing homework.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “Such as” should be part of a full sentence. You could write: “For example, a child may lose screen time after not doing homework.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long and unclear sentences in the introduction. The first two sentences are hard to follow. Use short, clear sentences to show the two views and your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last line match your main view. If praise is better, say it should be the main way, while punishment should be limited and fair.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
You use useful examples about homework, helping others, and screen time.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part deals with one main view.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to the main ideas and gives a final opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Behavioral norms
  • Social boundaries
  • Consequences
  • Resentment
  • Positive reinforcement
  • Approval
  • Extrinsic motivation
  • Intrinsic motivation
  • Consistency
  • Clear communication
  • Psychological research
  • Practical outcomes
  • Discipline
  • Nurturing
  • Behavioral psychology
  • Operant conditioning
  • Constructive criticism
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