IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
The question of whether portable digital devices
,
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apply
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 and the online network are crucial in which people create empathy
to each other
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among people
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. Personally, I am of the opinion that though
the
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there
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 are some demerits, merits outweigh them and the reasons will be explained in the following essay.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, living in the digital era is likely to
poses
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pose
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 substantial threats to one's life.
This
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 is largely because
,
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 people will never know whom they communicate with
,
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 when they first meet virtually with others. Social media users may
prove to
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apply
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form
a
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apply
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fake
personality
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personalities
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 and
background history
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backgrounds
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,
for making
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to make
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 friends with someone, and obtain personal information, namely, their identification number, card details or even weaknesses about the person they are talking
to
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to,
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 in order to
utilize
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utilise
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 them for their own sake.
For instance
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, when children use their phones without parental control, they tend to find "online friends" who are actually scammers or psychopaths and aim to either steal money or even kidnap them, by demonstrating themselves as honest individuals.
Consequently
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, kids may think that he/she is someone who needs money or just wants to spend time with them.
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
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, technological advances make communication more accessible by allowing its users to keep in touch with their friends or family members at any time and
anywhere
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from anywhere
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. Posting on
the
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apply
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social media occasionally, everyone will get updated about even the most minor details and comprehend the different aspects of each other's
life
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lives
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, particularly because they begin watching the world
from one another's
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through each other's
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 eyes.
Furthermore
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, individuals tend to talk about their feelings more openly by texting, rather than face-to-face, maybe
due to
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 the less demand for the non-verbal cues,
suchlike
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such as
 body language and voice tone.
Conclusion
On balance, despite the compelling arguments on both sides of the topic, I largely subscribe to the advantageous features of the mobile phones, thereby suggesting improved digital literacy in order to be
in
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apply
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safe inside the online world.

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Task response
State your main answer more clearly in the first paragraph: the good points are greater than the bad points. Then make sure the last paragraph says the same thing in direct words.
Task response
Give more detail about why online contact is more important than the risks. For example, explain how it helps people who live far from family, study or work in other places, or need help quickly.
Task response
Your example about children and unsafe online users is clear, but it is very strong. You could also use a more common example, such as people losing money after sharing bank details with a false friend.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: bad points first, then good points, then an ending. Keep this plan, but use simpler topic sentences so the reader can see each main idea at once.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hold many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'First', 'However', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In short' are enough. Do not use very long linking phrases when a simple one is clearer.
Coherence and cohesion
Make pronouns clear. In the sentence about children, 'he/she' is not clear because it may mean the child or the online user. Name the person again: 'the child may think that the stranger needs help.'
Task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view that the good points are greater than the bad points.
Task response
The essay uses relevant ideas: online danger, contact with family and friends, and sharing feelings by text.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, and the example in the first body paragraph supports the point about online risk.
Coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphing and links such as 'First and foremost', 'Conversely', and 'On balance' helps the reader follow the overall plan.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant communication
  • social isolation
  • face-to-face communication
  • social media platforms
  • messaging apps
  • sense of community
  • geographical boundaries
  • excessive use
  • virtual interaction
  • non-verbal cues
  • cyberbullying
  • privacy invasion
  • personal wellbeing
  • maintain relationships
  • connect with like-minded individuals
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