IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
More and more countries think that the government should spend a large amount of money on the arts because they are able to enhance individuals' quality of life,
while
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 other people may not agree with
this
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 view. From my perspective, the former opinion is more correct for two main reasons.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I would argue that expressing emotions through drawing or
music
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 can positively affect the economic system. The argument is that there are a lot of tourists who prefer to come in order to see and try the local culture.
This
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 phenomenon will increase the economic activities in the market, which in turn enhances the national economy. A study conducted by the Department of Economics at Melbourne University in 2025 concluded that 45% of Australian GDP was from tourists.
Therefore
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, the economic system will certainly be enhanced
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 strategy.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I am convinced that these fields have the ability to influence education in a positive way. What I mean is that it should be two subjects about art and
music
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 in an effort to learn them in a proper way.
This
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 proposal results in many educated people in these courses, ultimately leading to the spread of
this
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 information and local culture.
For instance
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, a teacher explains how a specific piece of
music
Use synonyms
 is related to a famous painting in the country.
As a result
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, the performance of the educational aspect will improve if that method is taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 many individuals believe that painting and
music
Use synonyms
 directly improve the quality of life, a group of people may disagree with
this
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 opinion.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree or disagree with the idea that the state should spend money on art projects.
task response
Answer the main point of the question more directly. Your first body paragraph is about tourism and money, but explain why this means the state should pay for art.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how art and music improve people’s lives, such as by helping them feel calm, happy, or close to their culture.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The study about tourism does not show that art projects caused this result. A simple real-life example would be stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each body paragraph. Start with the point, explain it, then give an example, and end by linking it back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, drawing or music does not naturally lead to the economic system. Add steps to show how local art brings tourists and then brings money.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match your view. Your last paragraph says that painting and music improve life, but it does not clearly say that the state should spend money on them.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this strategy”, “that method”, and “these fields” when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Name the idea again.
task response
You give a clear choice of view near the start and provide two main reasons for it.
task response
Your essay stays on the general topic of art, music, public money, and their effects on society.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, two body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts, such as “First of all”, “In addition”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”, to guide the reader.
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