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Writing Samples
Band 7

DOCTORS IN MANY COUNTRIES SAY THAT PEOPLE DO NOT DO ENOUGH PHYSICAL EXERCISES. WHAT ARE THE CAUSES OF THIS TREND? HOW CAN THE SITUATION BE IMPROVED?

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Introduction
More and more physicians think that a lot of individuals around the world do not exercise sufficiently, and they try to find the main causes and possible solutions for
this
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 issue. From my perspective, lack of
awareness
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 is the main factor, and a good educational
system
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 is the solution.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I would argue that the low level of
awareness
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 can affect
people
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's health in a negative way. The argument is that many individuals in society do not know the benefits of sports and their relation to general health.
This
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 phenomenon increased the number of ignorant
people
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, ultimately leading to diminisheing healthcare
system
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 in the country. A study conducted by the Department of Social Sciences at Melbourne University in 2025 concluded that 65% of residents in Sydney do not know that active exercises are able to strengthen all functional muscles.
Therefore
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, the healthcare
system
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 will deteriorate
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 trend.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I am convinced that raising
awareness
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 through education can solve
this
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 concern in a proper way. What I mean is that there should be several subjects that explain the importance of active workouts in an effort to do them daily.
This
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 process is likely to raise the number of athletes in society, which in turn improves
people
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's health.
For instance
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, a group of students plays football against each other daily for half an hour in the morning.
As a result
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, the issue is likely to be solved if that method is taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a significant number of doctors argue that
people
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 these days do not do enough exercise,
while
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 enhancing the educational
system
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 is able to raise the level of
awareness
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 in sports.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to improve the situation. However, the cause is too narrow. Add other main causes, such as long work hours, time on phones, and a lack of safe places to exercise.
task response
Explain each idea more fully. For example, show why people may not know about exercise, and explain how schools, doctors, or ads can help them make exercise part of daily life.
task response
Some points are not clear or do not fit well. “This phenomenon increased the number of ignorant people” is not a clear result of low awareness. Focus on the direct result: people may choose not to exercise and may become less healthy.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The Sydney study feels made up and does not show why people do not exercise. A simple real-life example, such as office workers sitting all day, would be stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, cause, solution, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each sentence clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Therefore” should introduce a clear result. In the first body part, the result moves from awareness to the whole health system too fast. Add steps between these ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the main idea of each body part more direct. Start with a simple topic sentence, then give an explanation, an example, and a short result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating broad words such as “issue,” “concern,” and “trend.” Say exactly what you mean, for example, “the lack of exercise” or “poor public knowledge about health.”
task response
You give a clear view from the start and stay focused on exercise and health.
task response
You include both a cause and a way to improve the problem, so the main task is covered.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part has one main purpose.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are present, and the ending returns to the main ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical inactivity
  • busy and stressful
  • work schedules
  • lack of motivation
  • technological advancements
  • unhealthy habits
  • insufficient awareness
  • benefits of exercise
  • sedentary behavior
  • health risks
  • sedentary jobs
  • physical fitness
  • physical well-being
  • regular exercise
  • physical activity
  • health professionals
  • public awareness campaigns
  • exercise routines
  • fitness facilities
  • personal trainers
  • health benefits
  • weight management
  • stress reduction
  • improved cardiovascular health
  • increased energy levels
  • enhanced mood
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