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Band 4.5

These days, many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school. What are the reasons for this? How can it be dealt with?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
In recent years, there are large numbers of
children
Use synonyms
 who have concentration problems
during the
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in
show examples
 class at educational institutions. There are several reasons that caused the statement
happened
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to happen
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as overusing digital devices and watching short
vedios
Correct your spelling
videos
 on
the
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apply
show examples
social media. We will discuss the problems and give solutions to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
children
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's
attention
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 and concentration in
classes
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.
Body paragraph 1
Now is
digital
Add an article
the digital
show examples
 generation,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 is common
that
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for
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 younger
people
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Use synonyms
use
Verb problem
to use
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 computers to study in their
classes
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.
However
Linking Words
,
Overusing
Fix capitalization
overusing
show examples
 digital
dvices
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devices
 causes
children
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can not
Wrong verb form
to be unable to
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 focus on
classes
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 because
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children
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will explore other websites that
do
Verb problem
are
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 not related to their class. When they are attracted by games or online comic
boods
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books
, they
are
Verb problem
have
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 difficulty paying
attention
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. Given that the
govenment
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government
 organises the educational
processing
Replace the word
process
,the government should bear responsibility for
children
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 hardly concentratin issuses. The
govenment
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government
 should measure what kind of
classes
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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the school-aged
people
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 can
use
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computer
Check wording
computers
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 and
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduce
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 the chance they touch technological
deviveds
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devices
.
Moreover
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, teachers can
use
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 real local resources to attract
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children
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children's
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attention
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that
Correct word choice
so that
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 they focus on the lesson.
Body paragraph 2
Another example, there are many short
vedios
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videos
 on
the
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apply
show examples
social media.
Researches
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Research
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 shows it will redcude humen's
attention
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 and
concentrating
Replace the word
concentration
 if
people
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alwasy
Correct your spelling
always
 watch reels. In younger
people
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's age, they still learn about how to control their
attention
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 and make they can do something longer.
However
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, reels only show thirty second vedio,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will lead
children
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's
brain
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brains
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 to think
about
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that
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 they only need to pay
attention
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30
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for 30
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second
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seconds
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 on everything.
Thus
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, it is getting hard to make
children
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concentration
Replace the word
concentrate
. If the government fails to address
this
Linking Words
 problem, it will cause a heavy burden on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Therefore
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, the government should take immediate action to
perform
Verb problem
ensure
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 that adults understand
this
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 is a big issue.
People
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 who
is
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are
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 old enough, they will notice they need to correct
this
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 problem and start to stop their
children
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to watch
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from watching
show examples
 many short reels to improve
thier
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their
attention
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
It
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it
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 is
a
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an
show examples
 essential problem that
children
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 have difficulty paying
attention
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 and concentrating in their
classes
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 at school because they
over
Correct your spelling
overuse
use
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 digital tools and watch many short
vedios
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videos
 to
lead
Verb problem
support
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement.
Thus
Linking Words
, reducing digital devices in the
classed
Replace the word
classroom
 is one of solution to solve problems. Another one is
adults
Correct word choice
that adults
show examples
 need to apporiate stop young
people
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watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 short
vedio
Correct your spelling
videos
 to
lead they
Verb problem
apply
show examples
build their
attention
Use synonyms
.

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Task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give two reasons, but the help is not always clear or well explained. For each reason, show how it harms focus, then give one clear way to deal with it.
Task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, say that a child may leave a class task to play a game, or may find a long reading task hard after watching many short videos.
Task response
Keep your ideas on the main question. The point about the government is too broad. Explain what schools, teachers, and parents can do in a direct way.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make each body part follow one simple plan: reason, result, solution, example.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. Words such as “First,” “As a result,” “For example,” and “Therefore” can help the reader follow your points.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because too many ideas are put together. Write shorter sentences and make the subject clear: “Children may open game sites. As a result, they stop listening to the teacher.”
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “the government should” in both main parts. You can also write about parents setting limits and teachers planning more active class work.
Task response
You answer both the reasons and the ways to deal with the problem.
Task response
Your main ideas are relevant: too much use of digital tools and short videos can make it harder for children to focus.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “However,” “Moreover,” “Thus,” and “Therefore.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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