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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about whether competition in society brings benefits.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that competing against others can be beneficial, I believe that
cooperation
Use synonyms
 is more important because it gives individuals a
sense
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 of belonging.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, competing against others in everyday situations can provide individuals with a
sense
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 of achievement, particularly when rewards are involved.
People
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 may feel motivated to perform at their best in order to achieve their goals and earn rewards.
For example
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, some companies use performance targets and sales commissions to motivate their employees to perform at their best and sell more products. When employees meet their company's targets, they may receive valuable incentives,
such
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 as financial bonuses.
As a result
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, these rewards can give employees a
sense
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 of achievement and encourage them to remain motivated in future competitions.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
cooperation
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 is considered more beneficial because it gives
people
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 a
sense
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 of belonging.
According to
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 Maslow's hierarchy of needs, belonging and love are at the third level, highlighting the importance of having a
sense
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 of community, close family relationships and friendships.
This
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 is why schools and universities often assign group projects that require students to work together.
This
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 not only allows students to learn from one another but
also
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 helps them build rapport.
Therefore
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, I believe
cooperation
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 is the better approach because it encourages
people
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 to build meaningful relationships and meet their need for social connections.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 competition can give individuals a
sense
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 of achievement, I believe
cooperation
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial because it fosters meaningful friendships and strengthens relationships within the community.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your view stronger, explain more fully why working together is better in work, school, and daily life, not only for friendship.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some are a little narrow. For example, say how working together can help people solve hard problems, share skills, and get better results.
task response
The work example is useful. Add one more real example for daily life, such as neighbours helping each other or people working together in a local group.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Each main part stays on one idea, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words with care. You use “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “Therefore” well, but you can also use “also”, “however”, and “in this way” where they fit.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence of the cooperation part repeats the main point well. You could make the link even smoother by clearly comparing the two sides before giving your final view.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain competition, explain cooperation, and clearly state your own view.
task response
Your examples of sales rewards and group work directly support your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The opening gives a clear map of the essay, and the ending returns to the same main view.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are well ordered, and the reader can easily see where each new idea begins.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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