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Band 4.5

computers are being used more and more in education. some people say that this a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. discuss both sides of the arguments and the give your own opinion.

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Introduction
More and more people think that personal computers are so effective in different educational systems,
while
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 others claim that they have a negative impact. From my perspective, the latter statement is more correct for one main reason
which
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, which
show examples
realted
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is related
 to distraction.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, some people would argue that personal laptops can affect
students
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' grades in a positive way. The argument is that those people can access the needed resources quickly with the help of AI websites.
This
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feasture
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feature
 results in many educated learners, which in turn improves the education in society. A study conducted by the Department of Social Sciences at Melbourne University in 2025 concluded that 85% of
students
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 in Sydney had used AI programs during
study
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their studies
.
Therefore
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, the
perfomance
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performance
 of education will be enhanced
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 strategy.
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
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, I am convinced that these computers are negatively able to influence many learners. What I mean is that most
of
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apply
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students
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 used them for daily entertainment
such
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 as watching funny videos on
Youtube
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YouTube
show examples
.
This
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 phenomenon makes them distracted, ultimately leading to a reduction in their focus during lecture.
For instance
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, young
students
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 spend so many hours in attractive online games
that
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apply
show examples
provided by platforms
such
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 as Steam.
As a result
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, the educational systems are likely to deteriorate if that trend is not taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a significant number of individuals argue that personal computers
enhaces
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enhance
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students grade
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students' grades
 by using advanced programs,
while
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 I believe that learners usually use these devices in
inapproperiate
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an inappropriate
 way.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, explain more clearly why the bad side is greater than the good side. Add one more main reason, such as less face-to-face talk or less deep study.
task response
Some ideas are too wide. For example, say how AI helps students learn, not only that they can find resources fast. You could say that it gives quick feedback, practice, and help with hard work.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but the Melbourne study feels made up and is not needed. A clear real-life example from a class would be more natural and easier to explain.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first paragraph say that you will discuss both sides before giving your view.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear in places, such as “First of all”, “Conversely”, and “As a result”. Use fewer linking words when they do not add a new step, and make each sentence follow directly from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word order or word choice. For example, write “Computers can negatively affect many learners” instead of “these computers are negatively able to influence many learners.”
coherence and cohesion
Make your ending more complete. Restate both sides in one short sentence, then clearly say why you think the bad side is more important.
task response
You discuss the good side and the bad side, and your own view is clear from the opening to the ending.
task response
Your points about fast access to learning help and distraction from videos and games are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The use of examples, such as AI tools, YouTube, and online games, helps connect your ideas to student life.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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