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Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people buy products that they do not really need and replace old products with the new ones unnecessarily. Why do people buy things they do not really need? Do you think this is a good thing?

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Introduction
Nowadays, more and more
people
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 tend to purchase new
products
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 even before the old ones are broken. In
this
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 essay, I am going to argue that
this
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 a unpropreate behavior,
besides
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, I am
also
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 going to discuss the reasons why
people
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 buy new goods they do not need.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, modern
people
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 are much more easily affected by the advertisements which have been shown on the internet and mobile phones. Those advertisements send messages to the users' minds to increase the possibility of purchasing
products
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;
Punctuation problem
,
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 even before the customers really think about whether they need them.
Moreover
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, many customers tend to buy new technology
products
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 because of the new functions shown in the advertisement. Every year, IT companies publish new
products
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 in order to let their fans buy new
products
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, which
also
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 causes many
people
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 to replace their old items even though they are still working properly.
For instance
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, Apple publishes a new iPhone every year;
however
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, if you take a closer look at their new
products
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, they are almost the same as
last
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 year's
products
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, only with a new camera or AI system.
Body paragraph 2
Admittedly, purchasing new
products
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 more often can increase
the
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apply
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economic growth because more money is spent on consumption and increase the number of working opportunities.
Nevertheless
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, from my perspective, I believe that it is totally unnecessary and a waste of resources to replace any
products
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 before they are fully dysfunctional. Those old
products
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 need to be thrown away or be recycled, which
also
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 makes more trash for the recycling system. The environment might be polluted since more fuel and materials need to be used in order to manufacture new
products
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 and recycle the old ones.
Conclusion
In summary, I do not think that replacing old
products
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 with unnecessarily new ones is a good idea.
People
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 nowadays are blinded by the advertisements which are shown on the internet or by manufacturers, and those old and new items
also
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 cause environmental problems.

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task response
You answer both parts well: you give reasons for buying unneeded things and clearly say this is not good. To make your view stronger, explain more fully why people may value new goods, such as status, comfort, or fear of missing out.
task response
Your Apple example is clear and useful. Add one more short example, perhaps about clothes or home goods, to show that this problem is not only about phones.
task response
The point about jobs and economic growth is relevant. Develop it a little more before you disagree with it, so the reader can better see both sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, reasons, effects, and ending. Keep this strong plan, but make the first sentence say both main answers more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. For example, do not join two full ideas with “besides”; use “In addition” or start a new sentence. This will make your writing smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, especially “new products” and “old products.” Use simple other words, such as “goods,” “items,” “devices,” or “these things,” when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and more direct. Restate your main view, then give the two key reasons: ads lead to waste, and making more goods harms the environment.
task response
You give a clear answer to the question and keep your view the same from start to end.
task response
The essay includes useful reasons: online ads, new features, company marketing, waste, and harm to the environment.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and the Apple example fits well with the point about new technology.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “Firstly,” “Moreover,” “Admittedly,” “Nevertheless,” and “In summary,” which help the reader follow your ideas.
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