IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case?Do you think this is a positive or nagative development?

3.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There is no doubt that these days
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and electronics in general are a huge part of our lives. Some children spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
in
this
Linking Words
essay
Punctuation problem
essay,
show examples
 I'm going to discuss the types of impact on their
development
Use synonyms
 .
Body paragraph 1
In terms of positive
development
Use synonyms
 , the main reason I given support to
this
Linking Words
 claim is that children need to spend
time
Use synonyms
 on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 to learn new stuff and keep up with their generation , to illustration , kids and teenagers even teachers use electronics for educational purposes most of the school day ,
in other words
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 generation especially it important for children to spend
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 or electronics in general.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, we can't forget the side effects or "negative
development
Use synonyms
" for too much use of technology
,
Punctuation problem
. Firstly
show examples
firstly
Linking Words
, it has a negative impact on their behaviour
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
in other words
Linking Words
 , it can make them more irritated or anxious
,
Correct word order
. Also,
show examples
also
Linking Words
 we can't forget about the physical damage
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their eyes, fingers, back ,
shoulders
Correct word choice
and shoulders
show examples
, especially if they are not sitting the right way .
Conclusion
In conclusion ,
although
Linking Words
 it's important for them to keep up with their generation.
Linking Words
therefore
Capitalize the word
Therefore
show examples
,I believe that having no
time
Use synonyms
 limit on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has a lot of negative impact on their physical and mental
development
Use synonyms
 .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. Say why children use phones for many hours, then give a clear view: this is mainly a bad change. Your first body part gives one reason, but it needs more detail, such as games, video apps, friends, and parents being busy.
task response
Build each main point with a clear reason and one real example. For example, children may use phones for school work, but many also watch short videos or play games for a long time. This makes your view more clear and fair.
task response
Your view changes a little. You first show good points, but the end says that no time limit is bad. Make your main view clear in the first part and keep it the same through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler plan: first say the two reasons for heavy phone use; next say why it is mainly bad; then end with your view. At present, the first main part talks about good use, but it does not fully answer why children spend hours on phones.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and an example. Some long sentences join many ideas with commas, so split them into shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'For example' is better than 'to illustration'. Also, do not use 'although' with 'therefore' in the same sentence. These words show different links between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'in other words' when you are adding a new point. Use it only when you truly say the same idea in a new way.
task response
You discuss both good and bad sides of smartphone use, including learning, worry, and body health.
task response
You give a clear final view that too much phone time can harm children’s mind and body.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending, so the reader can follow the basic plan.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'However', 'Firstly', and 'In conclusion' help show the change from good points to bad points and then to your final view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: