IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be encouraged to save money from an early age. Others think that children are too young to understand financial concepts and should enjoy their childhood without worrying about money. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 teenagers
started
Verb problem
have started
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 to
keep up
Verb problem
earn
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money
Use synonyms
.
Community
Add an article
The community
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 nowadays
started
Verb problem
has started
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 to teach
their youths
Fix the agreement mistake
its youth
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 to
learn depositing
Verb problem
save
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 some
money
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 others
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
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 kids are too small for understanding how
too
Use the right word
to
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 save currency.
In
Change preposition
From
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 my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
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 I strongly believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should learn
saving
Wrong verb form
to save
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 some amount of
money
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss why
children
Use synonyms
 should learn to set aside some
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some of
community
Add an article
the community
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 members think that teenagers are too young
for thinking
Wrong verb form
to think
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 about
money
Use synonyms
it
Punctuation problem
. This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 will not enjoy their childhood
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they will just think about
money
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 and how to save it,
instead
Linking Words
 of spending their
money
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 on toys and food. One key
eaxample
Correct your spelling
example
 is
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 when a young man tries to save
money
Use synonyms
 that his parents had
gave
Wrong verb form
given
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 him to eat in school, or when he even tries to make some
money
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 by selling his personal items that he had
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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toy
Check wording
toys
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,
bicycle
Check wording
bicycles
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, and many more.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
children
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 will learn the skill of saving
money
Use synonyms
 in
need
Check wording
times of need
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,Youths will learn how to make
money
Use synonyms
 by themselves.
Children
Use synonyms
 will know how to balance their lives and when to spend
money
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will help when
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 become young
youthes
Correct your spelling
adults
. One relevant example is. When a teenager
started
Wrong verb form
starts
show examples
 saving
money
Use synonyms
 and
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
show examples
 how to make
money
Use synonyms
 from his
child
Correct your spelling
childhood
hood
Punctuation problem
hood,
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 he will be rich in his youth hood which is a great thing.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some people
worries
Correct subject-verb agreement
worry
show examples
 about their
children
Use synonyms
 child will be busy with
money
Use synonyms
. But teaching them to start saving some
money
Use synonyms
 is better for them to have a better life in
in
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
these days and in their future.

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task response
Discuss both sides in the same depth. The first side says children should enjoy childhood, but it needs more detail about why money may cause stress or take away play time.
task response
State your own view clearly in the first paragraph and keep it clear through the essay. Explain why saving is useful, not only that it is useful.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, a child could save a small part of gift money for a book or a school trip, while still using some money for fun.
task response
Avoid very big claims such as a child will be rich later. Say that saving can help young people plan, wait before buying, and deal with small needs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Make each body paragraph begin with one clear main idea, then add reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "because", "for example", "however", "also", and "as a result". Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same group. Choose "children" or "teenagers" and use it in a clear way. Do not switch often between children, youths, and young men.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence breaks and full stops. For example, change "One relevant example is. When..." to "For example, when a teenager saves money, they can learn to plan their spending."
task response
You answer both views and give a clear personal view that children should learn to save money.
coherence and cohesion
The use of "On the one hand", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion" helps the reader follow the main parts of your essay.
task response
You try to use examples about school money, toys, and saving for later. These examples fit the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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