IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about whether primary
schools
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 focus too much on formal learning. I strongly disagree with
this
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 view, and I will explain why learning through play is important for primary
school
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children
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.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I believe that many primary
schools
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 are making an effort to create an enjoyable learning environment rather than focusing solely on formal teaching methods. Formal teaching methods may make primary
students
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 feel bored, which may make it difficult for them to pay attention in class.
In addition
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, more and more parents are concerned about whether their
children
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 enjoy learning.
As a result
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, many
schools
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 have started adopting diverse teaching strategies.
For instance
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,
students
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 can easily pick up new vocabulary by singing songs in an English class. Over time,
children
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 may enjoy learning more at
school
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.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, using fun games and
activities
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 in class plays a key role in primary
school
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students
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' learning.
This
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 is mainly because
children
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 at
this
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 age tend to be more interested in fun and interactive
activities
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. Primary
school
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children
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 may find it easier to understand new information through games and interactive
activities
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. These
activities
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 can
also
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 make learning a more enjoyable experience for
students
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.
For instance
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, teachers can arrange vocabulary games for
students
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 to work in groups and complete tasks together. In
this
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 way,
students
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 not only learn new vocabulary but
also
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 learn to cooperate with their classmates.
Conclusion
Overall
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,
although
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 some people argue that primary
schools
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 focus too much on formal learning methods, I still believe that
schools
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 have started using diverse teaching strategies in recent years. Having the opportunity to learn and play at the same time is essential for primary
school
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children
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 because
this
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 approach suits their needs and stage of development.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that schools put too much time into formal learning. However, you could say more about why some people may hold this view, such as too many tests, books, or long desk work. This would make your answer more full.
task response
You answer the part about play well, but add more than one kind of good result. For example, play can help children build social skills, solve problems, use their ideas, and feel less stress.
task response
Your examples are good and on topic. Make them more real and clear by showing what a teacher does, what children do, and what they learn at the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. To make the flow even better, use links that show the job of each part, such as “On the one hand” and “More importantly”.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are said more than once: games and activities make learning fun and help children learn. Try to give each main part a different job. One part could be about how schools already use play; the next could be about why play helps child growth.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more exact links between the example and the main point. For example: “This shows that play can teach both words and team work.” This will make your point easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view through the whole essay.
task response
The song and word-game examples are useful, clear, and fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part begins with a clear main idea, so the reader can follow your writing with ease.
coherence and cohesion
The last part brings your main ideas together and gives a direct answer to the question.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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