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Band 6.5

Some people believe that schools should teach children how to manage money, while others think that parents should be responsible for teaching this skill. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Knowing how to manage
money
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 is an essential skill that can help
children
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 in the future. Some people argue that teaching
children
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 how to manage
money
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 is
parents
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'
responsibility
Punctuation problem
responsibility,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others claim it is
schools
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' responsibility. I believe that both
schools
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 and
parents
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 play an important role in showing
children
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 how they can manage
money
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some people believe that
schools
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 should teach
children
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 how to manage
money
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 because teachers can give students structured lessons about saving
money
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. These lessons can help students learn how to divide their
money
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 between needs and savings.
For instance
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, a teacher gives students a budgeting activity about the weekly allowance and asks them to determine how much they may spend
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 how much they may save and prepare a simple budget.
As a result
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,
children
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 can learn how to make better financial decisions when they become adults.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people believe that
parents
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 should teach
children
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 how to manage
money
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 because
children
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 can learn from their
parents
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' daily financial decisions. By observing how their
parents
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 prepare for unexpected expenses,
children
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 can learn the importance of saving
money
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.
For example
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,
parents
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 may set aside part of their monthly income for emergencies and use these savings to cover an unexpected car repair.
As a result
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,
children
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 can develop practical financial skills that they will need in the future.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
schools
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 and
parents
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 can both provide
children
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 with useful knowledge about managing
money
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. I believe that their roles complement each other and help
children
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 develop important financial skills.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why school lessons and home learning work best together. You could say that school gives all children the same basic knowledge, while parents show how money is used in real life.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but they could go a little deeper. For the school view, explain why a planned class may help children who do not learn about money at home. For the parent view, explain that each family has different needs and spending habits.
task response
Your examples fit the topic well. Add one more small detail to each example, such as a child choosing between buying a toy now or saving for a larger goal, to make the points more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Each part has one main idea, which makes the writing easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of links between ideas. You use “For instance”, “For example”, and “As a result” well, but you can also use simple links such as “In addition”, “However”, and “Therefore” when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence in each main part repeats a similar idea about the future. Try to make these ending sentences more different. For example, the first part can focus on planning, while the second can focus on daily habits.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain the school view, the parent view, and your own view.
task response
Your main points are relevant and easy to understand. The budget activity and the car repair example support your ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly states your position, and the ending returns to it in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are well ordered, and the topic sentence at the start of each main part helps the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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