IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
It is argued whether enabling
children
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 to make
decisions
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 regarding their lifestyle may lead to grown-ups being unwilling to cooperate with each other, or whether
this
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 will make them confident and responsible.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that taking a middle ground where youngsters are allowed to make some choices is the most ideal approach.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, permitting people to decide what to wear, eat, study, and how to spend their time from a young age will most likely build their confidence,
as a result
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, they will become more Self-reliant and needless of constant care and approval from parents or mentors. That will benefit them when making important
decisions
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 in the future, which may make them great leaders in society, as higher posts usually require making crucial
decisions
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.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 method will teach them responsibility, as they will face the outcomes of their judgment;
therefore
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, they will be more cautious.
For instance
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, a child who chooses to eat a large amount of candy is likely to get sick, which may prevent them from repeating
this
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 action again;
thus
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, they will learn about the appropriate portion size.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, allowing
children
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 to make their own minds regarding their life might result in selfish grown individuals who prioritise their wishes above those of others. So if many people turn out
this
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 way, they will unlikely flourish as a society, which requires cooperation, sacrifices, respecting others and prioritising what is better for the majority rather than themselves. On balance, I think parents should limit the
decisions
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 they allow their
children
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 to make for themselves by enabling them to make their own minds regarding choices that do not harm them or others, as they have not developed full judgment yet.
For example
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, caregivers usually allow pupils to pick their outfit when going to a playground, what to eat in a weekly free meal, but choose their bedtime time and what they eat on a daily basis.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 enabling
children
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 to make their own
decisions
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 will make them more confident in the future and will teach them responsibility, allowing them to make each choice might result in uncooperative individuals;
therefore
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, I believe that parents should limit the
decisions
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 they permit their
children
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 to make.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your view even stronger, say more clearly why a middle way is best: children can learn to choose, but adults must guide choices that can hurt health, school, or other people.
Task response
Your ideas are clear, but the first side should focus more on the view in the question: children should make choices about things that affect them. The point about future leaders is less direct. Add a more direct idea, such as children knowing what clothes feel right or which hobby they enjoy.
Task response
The candy example is useful and easy to understand. The last example is also good, but make it more exact: parents can let children choose one meal each week, while adults set the usual meals and bedtime.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side with your view, and a short ending. This makes it easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some sentences begin with “as a result”, “therefore”, or “thus” when one clear link is enough. Shorter links can make the writing smoother.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same group. You use “children”, “people”, “youngsters”, “pupils”, and “grown individuals”. Use “children” and “adults” most of the time so the meaning stays clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid putting too many ideas in one sentence. For example, split the sentence about society needing cooperation, sacrifice, and respect into two sentences. This will make the main point easier to read.
Task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain both views and clearly state your own opinion.
Task response
Your main points are supported with real-life examples about candy, clothes, food, and bedtime.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and the ending repeats your main view well.
Coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”, which help the reader follow your ideas.
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