IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many children today suffer from obesity. Give the reasons for this and give the solutions to fix this problem.

3.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, many
children
Use synonyms
 suffer from obesity, and
this
Linking Words
 has become a common problem around the world. There are many reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem, but there are
also
Linking Words
 some ways to solve it.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons is eating too much fast food,
such
Linking Words
 as burgers, pizza and sweets. These foods are not healthy when eaten too often. Another reason is that
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of time watching TV or playing video games
instead
Linking Words
 of doing exercise.
Body paragraph 2
To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, parents should encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to eat more fruits and vegetables.
Also
Linking Words
, schools should teach students how to eat healthy food.
Children
Use synonyms
 should
also
Linking Words
 spend more time doing sports.
Conclusion
In conclusion, childhood obesity is mainly caused by unhealthy food and a lack of exercise. Parents and schools should work together to help
children
Use synonyms
 have a healthier life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
You answer both parts of the question: why children become fat and how to help them. Add more than one clear point for each part, such as large food sizes, sweet drinks, less sleep, or no safe places to play.
Task response
Explain each main point in more detail. For example, say that fast food has much fat and sugar, so children may eat more than their body needs. Say how sport and healthy meals can help.
Task response
Use one or two real-life examples. For example, a child who drinks cola each day and plays games for hours may gain weight. This will make your ideas stronger.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this simple plan: first give the causes, then give the ways to solve the problem.
Coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more clearly with words such as “because”, “as a result”, “for example”, “also”, and “therefore”. This will show how one idea leads to the next.
Coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph a little longer. Start with the main idea, then give a reason or example, and end with the result. This will help the reader follow your writing.
Task response
You stay on the topic and give clear causes and clear ways to help children.
Task response
Your ideas about fast food, screen time, healthy food, and sport are useful and fit the question.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main job.
Coherence and cohesion
You use a clear opening and ending, and the ending sums up your main ideas well.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: