IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

2.It was suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages of such a development outweigh advantages?

There
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been tremendous changes in the lifestyle of individuals. The purchasing power of
people
Use synonyms
 has increased in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent times
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
want
Check wording
desire
show examples
 towards material things
such
Linking Words
 as owning a car, television
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 fridge has
also
Linking Words
 increased.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to help in making the life of an individual more convenient, it
also
Linking Words
 has various disadvantages. In my view, the advantages overweight the disadvantages. There are two main disadvantages of
people
Use synonyms
's inclination towards buying
appliances
Use synonyms
. The first one
being
Replace the word
is
show examples
, with the availability of these
appliances
Use synonyms
, it makes the individual more lazy and lethargic.
People
Use synonyms
 nowadays
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are more dependent on the usage of these
appliances
Use synonyms
 and have been ignoring any physical exercise. To illustrate,
people
Use synonyms
 use extensive use of vehicles
, which
Rephrase
extensively, which
show examples
 reduces their physical activity.
This
Linking Words
 could lead to various health issues
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 obesity.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to become more materialistic.
People
Use synonyms
 watch a lot of
tv
Use the right word
TV
show examples
 or use mobiles.
This
Linking Words
 could have an adverse effect on their family relations, as they spend
minimum
Replace the word
minimal
show examples
 time with their family
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are more engrossed in watching television.
However
Linking Words
, when individuals can afford all these things, it means the economy of that country is growing.
People
Use synonyms
's purchasing power has increased, and there is more surplus money for them to spend on things apart from their basic necessities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the usage of these
appliances
Use synonyms
 has made the life of an individual more convenient.
People
Use synonyms
now can
Correct word order
can now
show examples
 easily commute long distances to their work,
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
and they
show examples
 are
also
Linking Words
 able to relieve their stress by watching television. The development of technology has been beneficial for the whole society.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will have
trend
Check wording
a tendency
show examples
 to become more materialistic in today's world as they need to buy the latest automobiles and
appliances
Use synonyms
 has increased.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 has more advantages as it adds convenience to a person's
day to day
Use the right word
day-to-day
show examples
 life.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, an increase in the purchasing power of individuals is a positive sign for the nation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

planning
Plan your essay: say your view in the first sentence and keep that view in all parts.
development
Add more detail or examples to show why your view is true.
grammar
Check grammar and make simple, correct sentences.
coherence
Use linking words to move from one idea to another.
content
Clear choice of side and main idea.
content
Use of simple ideas on health and family.
structure
Reasonable flow from problem to benefit to end.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: