IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #lessons #money #school
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Many people think that
children
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 should take basic
money
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 values lessons in the classroom. I completely agree with
this
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 view and believe that basic skills related to finance
plays
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play
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 an important role in the future life of
children
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.
Money
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 issues have become an essential part of our
life
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lives
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 over recent years.
Children
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 should be taught how to manage a budget wisely
in
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at
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 an earlier age in
schools
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.
Otherwise
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, those who have never been taught basic
money
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 values in elementary or primary school suffer from financial constraints when they become an adult.
For example
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, economy experts say that some adults,
which
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who
show examples
 have a lesson which covers
finance-related-topics
Correct your spelling
finance-related topics
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 have a knowledge of finance management
whereas
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other
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others
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 lack of ability to manage cash issues.
Therefore
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, the lesson
how
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on how
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 to handle budget should be a necessity in
schools
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.
Although
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 the lesson would be very beneficial to pupils, some people may think that the lessons about financial issues are not the responsibility of
schools
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.
However
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, it is not a justified claim since
children
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 spend most of their time in educational institutions.
For example
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,
since
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at
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early
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an early
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 age, they can save
money
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 for educational goals and
then
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 have an opportunity to study at a top university.
Moreover
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,
schools
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 can hire certificated experts or teachers
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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studied
Wrong verb form
study
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Economy
Correct article usage
the Economy
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. If those experts give economy lessons to
children
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, they
would
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will
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 have a greater knowledge of cash management when they have a student life as a university student, and become
an
Correct article usage
apply
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adult
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adults
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 or parents. In conclusion, cash management
had
Verb problem
was
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 not
been
Verb problem
apply
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an important topic
in
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apply
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before consumerism arose in
1990s
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the 1990s
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, but today,
children
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had
Wrong verb form
have
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 better
acquire
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acquired
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 the ability
of managing
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to manage
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 a budget by taking financial responsibility courses in
schools
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. So, they can make logical decisions on
finance-related-topics
Correct your spelling
finance-related topics
show examples
 in future.
Submitted by yagizaydin18 on

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Task Response
The essay responds well to the prompt by presenting a clear opinion and supporting arguments. However, ensure that the examples provided are directly related to the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, framing the essay effectively. Make sure to maintain consistency in transitions between paragraphs for improved coherence.
Task Response
Clear opinion presented with supporting arguments
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-structured introduction and conclusion

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • savings and investment
  • financial responsibility
  • school curriculum
  • mathematics integration
  • social studies
  • debt prevention
  • credit score
  • wise financial decisions
  • parental responsibility
  • structured education
  • real-world experiences
  • internships
  • personal finance
What to do next:
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