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Band 5.5

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #lessons #money #school
Many people think that
children
 should take basic
money
 values lessons in the classroom. I completely agree with
this
 view and believe that basic skills related to finance
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
 an important role in the future life of
children
.
Money
 issues have become an essential part of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 over recent years.
Children
 should be taught how to manage a budget wisely
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an earlier age in
schools
.
Otherwise
, those who have never been taught basic
money
 values in elementary or primary school suffer from financial constraints when they become an adult.
For example
, economy experts say that some adults,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 have a lesson which covers
finance-related-topics
Correct your spelling
finance-related topics
show examples
 have a knowledge of finance management
whereas
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 lack of ability to manage cash issues.
Therefore
, the lesson
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
 to handle budget should be a necessity in
schools
.
Although
 the lesson would be very beneficial to pupils, some people may think that the lessons about financial issues are not the responsibility of
schools
.
However
, it is not a justified claim since
children
 spend most of their time in educational institutions.
For example
,
since
Change preposition
at
show examples
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age, they can save
money
 for educational goals and
then
 have an opportunity to study at a top university.
Moreover
,
schools
 can hire certificated experts or teachers
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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studied
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
Economy
Correct article usage
the Economy
show examples
. If those experts give economy lessons to
children
, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 have a greater knowledge of cash management when they have a student life as a university student, and become
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 or parents. In conclusion, cash management
had
Verb problem
was
show examples
 not
been
Verb problem
apply
show examples
an important topic
in
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apply
show examples
before consumerism arose in
1990s
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the 1990s
show examples
, but today,
children
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 better
acquire
Wrong verb form
acquired
show examples
 the ability
of managing
Replace the preposition
to manage
show examples
 a budget by taking financial responsibility courses in
schools
. So, they can make logical decisions on
finance-related-topics
Correct your spelling
finance-related topics
show examples
 in future.
Submitted by yagizaydin18 on

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Task Response
The essay responds well to the prompt by presenting a clear opinion and supporting arguments. However, ensure that the examples provided are directly related to the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, framing the essay effectively. Make sure to maintain consistency in transitions between paragraphs for improved coherence.
Task Response
Clear opinion presented with supporting arguments
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-structured introduction and conclusion

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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