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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows how much money is spent in the budget on different sectors by the UAE government in 2000.

The chart below shows how much money is spent in the budget on different sectors by the UAE government in 2000.
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The pie graph compares the
budget
Use synonyms
 of
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UAE
Correct article usage
the UAE
show examples
 government
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different sectors,in 2000. Units are measured in
billion
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,the highest amount of money was spent on social security,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest was used for transport.
In addition
Linking Words
,
UAE
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 gave more preference to social security and services,
while
Linking Words
 other sectors were given less preference. Analysing the data on the amount of money spent on different sectors,
UAE
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 spent exactly 100
billion
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 on social security,which was 10 times more than the transport
budget
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( 9
billion
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) .
Moreover
Linking Words
 ,
53
Correct article usage
the 53
show examples
billion
Use synonyms
budget
Use synonyms
 was recorded
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health and personal social services, which was higher than
education
Correct article usage
the education
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 ( 38
billion
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) and
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
(22
billion
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)
Use synonyms
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
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. Explaining
further
Linking Words
 the data of the pie graph,the
budget
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 of debt interest was 23
billion
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,which was exactly the same as money spent on other
expenditure
Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
show examples
(23
billion
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).
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
UAE
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 spent around 13
billion
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 on industry,agriculture and employment, which was less than they spent on housing,heritage ,environment (15
billion
Use synonyms
) and on Law and order sector ( 17
billion
Use synonyms
).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words budget, uae, billion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "gave" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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