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Band 6.5

In today's competitive word,many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work.While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income,others feel they lack support because of their parents absence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#word #families #parents #work #say #children #benefit #income #lack #support #absence
At
this
 time, some families believe it crucial for the father and mother to work, owing to
this
, the juveniles in these have an advantage from additional earnings.
On the other hand
, others think the child will have
a
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deficient support. because of their
parents
' absence. From my point of view, one of the
parents
 has to work and the other one needs to take care of the child
To begin
 with the first opinion, lots of families find it important for the father and mother to work, because of
this
, their children will an advantage from
this
 which is purchase whatever they want.
On the contrary
, half of the arguments say that minors will grow up without
parents
' support and they will not know much about them, perhaps they will not truly love them.
However
, they can rent a babysitter to parent the children.
For instance
, a study conducted a decade ago, talked about the proportion of babysitting increasing from 5% to 15%. Starting with the latter perspective, many minors struggle with their
parents
' support,
therefore
, some fathers or mothers sacrifice their jobs to stay with the children,
While
 many argue that the family need money to give the adolescents all the facilities.
In contrast
, the only thing that adolescents need is parenting and help from
parents
.
For example
, research done 5 years ago, said that the most common reason for quitting a job was sacrificing for juveniles' assistance. In conclusion, it is important to have sufficient money to give the juveniles what they need,
whereas
, it is
also
 essential to take care of them but not by babysitter.
Submitted by bajahzar90 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all paragraphs are well connected. Use more transition words to improve the flow and connection between ideas.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples and develop your arguments further to clearly convey your viewpoint. Present a more structured conclusion that ties back to the introduction and summarizes your main points.
Task Achievement
The essay successfully introduces both sides of the argument regarding the impact of both parents working on children.
Task Achievement
You presented various perspectives and made attempts to support your ideas with examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay contains a structured introduction and conclusion, with distinct points in separate paragraphs.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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