IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have same rights as people. Whist others say that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #animals #rights #whist #humans #food #research
Animals
 are used in various
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 activities in human societies. An increasing number of
people
 believe that
animals
 should be given equal rights as human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 and
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 must not use them for any kind of work or consume them as food.
On the other hand
, there are other groups of
people
 who think that it is
alright
Replace the word
all right
show examples
 to employ
animals
 for human benefit.
This
 essay will discuss both points and will give some explanations as to why it is perfectly normal to employ
animals
 to improve human life. In today’s world
animals
 are used for various purposes
such
 as research, food, travel etc. Many
people
 think that humans are violating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
 and
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
animals
 should be given the same status as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
. They believe all kinds of exploitation of
animals
 must be stopped in order to protect their rights.
On the contrary
, the other groups of
people
 think that it is essential for human benefit to use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
 for various purposes.
Animals
 are the main source of protein for us and if we stop eating protein we will eventually become weak and human civilization will be destroyed.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
 are used for research,
for example
 invention of new drugs, prevention of disease etc. If all the
animal based
Add a hyphen
animal-based
show examples
 research is stopped,
then
 millions of
people
 will suffer and die. So,
animals
 have to play a vital role in human society if we want to prosper. To summarize, we can say that
although
 it may seem that human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 are exploiting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
actually we are doing it for human benefit.
Submitted by nurekowser02 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Develop clearer arguments for both points of view with more detailed examples to support them. Ensure that each paragraph is logically connected to the previous one for better flow and coherence in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: