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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie charts below show the average household expenditure in a country in 1950 and 2010.

The pie charts below show the average household expenditure in a country in 1950 and 2010.
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The pie charts illustrate the average squandering by families with housing,
food
Use synonyms
,
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
, education, transportation and others in a country for the years 1950 and 2010 in percentages respectively.
Overall
Linking Words
, the amount expended on housing was
initially
Linking Words
 more, but
eventually
Add a comma
,eventually
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food
Use synonyms
 expenses became high.
Whereas
Linking Words
, for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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years the smallest money was paid out on
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
. In 1950, 72.1% of the total expenditure was on housing, which is the highest portion,
while
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 and education
accounts
Change the verb form
account
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 for 11.2% and 6.6% each.
However
Linking Words
, the minimum money was disbursed on the other categories
with
Change preposition
at
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 4.4%, transportation is 3.3% and
finally
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 accounts for only 2.2% of the whole expenses.
However
Linking Words
, in 2010 people started spending more on
food
Use synonyms
 which is 34% of the total amount,
while
Linking Words
 housing cost
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dropped to just 22%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the expenditure on the other divisions has increased to 19.2%, which is almost 15% more than
former
Correct article usage
the former
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 year and
similarly
Linking Words
 the investment in transportation has
also
Linking Words
 risen to 14%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the combined percentage of education and
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 accounts for 10.8%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally, however, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words food, health, care with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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