IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Parents and teachers make many rules for children to encourage good behaviour and protect them from danger. However, children would benefit from fewer rules and greater freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#parents #teachers #rules #children #behaviour #danger #freedom
It is believed by some individuals that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
enforcing more rules can protect and incubate good
behaviour
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents. I completely disagree with the same, as too many restrictions cannot always encourage
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good
behaviour
.
To begin
 with, more restrictions can make a child more stubborn. The main reason for
this
 is, that as human nature, we tend to do things which normally we have been told not to do. It is very similar in
this
 case, when we restrict a child to not do a certain thing,
this
 would make him oppose and do the opposite.
This
 would
further
 lead
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 parents being disappointed and
also
 punishing him, which will have a more negative impact on him. In a recent study, where 100 students were examined,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it was observed that adolescents who have been given more freedom are less likely to misuse it, as compared to
children
 who have been restricted. Too many obligations to the
children
 can
also
 tamper their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
.
This
 is because when
children
 are restricted and enforced by rules, they tend to start distancing themselves
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their parents and teachers, as they are always scared of the repercussions their act can
further
 have.
This
also
 results in damaging the relationship between them, and
then
children
 tend to not discuss their problems and issues which can be
further
 devastating and can cause depression, which will have a tremendous change in their
behaviour
.
To conclude
,
children
 should not be enforced by too many rules, as with a good amount of understanding a good
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 can be built which can encourage child
behaviour
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are not presented in a coherent manner and the progression of ideas is unclear. There is a need for better organization of ideas and logical structure.
task response
The essay fails to provide a clear response to the prompt. It does not effectively present and support the writer's position. There is a lack of specific and relevant examples to support the arguments. The ideas are not thoroughly developed and the essay does not fully address the given topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: