IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe the media should be allowed to publish private information about people, while others are against it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #media #information
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In the modern era, the
media
 is an integral part of our life because it provides
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the whole world. Some folks believe that the
media
 have the right to broadcast the confidential life of the
people
 but others are against it.
This
 essay will discuss both prospects in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, some
people
 think that the
media
 are entitled to uncover human’s private life. There are two advantages for
this
 purpose.
Firstly
, it reveals there would be no censored information in the
media
 like
newspaper
Fix the agreement mistake
newspapers
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, television and the internet.
However
, the sense of freedom will be increased among the citizens.
That is
 how the trust appears in the society.
Secondly
,
this
 will have an effect on the improvement of the
community
Change noun form
community's
show examples
 behaviour. Juveniles are looking for
the
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apply
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imitation
Fix the agreement mistake
imitations
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 from
the
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celebrities.
For instance
, many directors and producers tend
into making
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to make
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variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
genres
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of genres
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 of movies, concerning prominent and reputable persons.
On the other hand
, claiming the coverage of
the
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apply
show examples
personal lives by the
media
 has both merits and drawbacks. A different kind of social
damages
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damage
show examples
 would be prohibited.
As a result
,
the
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apply
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cyber criminals
Correct your spelling
cybercriminals
show examples
 might be controlled.
For instance
, frauds
that
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apply
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are related to identification thievery and bank robberies,
that
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which
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 is why
such
these
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apply
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crimes will possibly be prevented. A negative idea is that
,
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apply
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the
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a
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 number of
the
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apply
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false rumours will be raised. Journalists certainly write news
on
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for
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 their own
benefits
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benefit
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.
That is
 because the community would be impressed by
Economical
Correct word choice
Economic
show examples
 and political gossips that stimulate the
people
’s interest. In conclusion, many
people
 experience conflicts over the
media
 showcase. I believe the
media
 have the right to publicize the personal lives of individuals because it motivates some
people
.
However
, others think it ought to be censored.
Submitted by magn665 on

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clarity
Enhance clarity and depth by elaborating on examples or providing more context. For instance, when mentioning media's revelation of private life, specific real-world instances would strengthen your argument. Also, dissect the negative impacts more thoroughly for a balanced view.
structure
Shift focus to create a stronger thesis statement at the end of the introduction, clearly indicating your stance. Additionally, ensure each paragraph's main argument is distinctly clear for both views to maintain a consistent and engaging flow.
cohesion
Work on precise language and varying sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. Aim for natural transitions between points, binding the essay into a cohesive whole.
structure
You have a solid introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your arguments, ensuring the reader understands the context and your stance.
content
The essay discusses both sides of the argument well, providing a balanced view that gives insight into the complexity of the media's role in privacy matters.
task response
You have made commendable efforts in showcasing reasons for both views, which reflects an understanding of task demands.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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