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Band 4

Should children be encouraged to be competitive in sports and other activities? Or is it better to learn the benefits of co-operating with other people? Discuss both these view and give your own answer.

#children #sports #activities #people
Whether motivating kids for challenging
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 activities is more beneficial or collaborating with other
people
 has more advantages, has been discussed. In my opinion, both competitive sports and co-operating with
people
 around
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a vital role in
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of one's personality. On the one hand, there are numerous
benefits
 of children participating in sports.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 and foremost merit is that
this
 is very important for a healthy lifestyle in today's time.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 kids nowadays are more into playing online games which
entice
Correct subject-verb agreement
entices
show examples
 them to stay home.
As a result
, they become lazy,
unfit
Correct word choice
and unfit
show examples
 and,
thus
 lead a sedentary life.
Furthermore
, encouraging children to take part in outdoor games will not only benefit their health, but they can
also
 opt
it
Change preposition
for it
show examples
 as a career as they grow old.
Consequently
,
this
 can gain them national and international recognition.
On the other hand
, working with different
people
 has countless advantages for an individual's
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
That is
 to say, it not only develops social skills
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 inculcates other soft skills as well. Collaborating with different
people
 gives a deep insight
of
Change preposition
into
show examples
 their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and experiences which can be used for personal
benefits
.
Moreover
, socialising creates
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 with different
people
, which can be useful to get future jobs.
For example
, a recent survey on the job market in
West
Correct article usage
the West
show examples
 revealed that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the
people
 who got the job were referred by their friends
To conclude
,
while
people
 may have varied opinions, I strongly believe that outdoor activities and collaboration
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 equal
benefits
.
While
 it is important for children to participate in different games in order to stay healthy and fit, it is
also
 very significant for them to meet, socialise and work with different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
people
due to
 its obvious
benefits
.
Submitted by wajihatrq on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by organizing the ideas in a clear and coherent manner. Ensure the introduction and conclusion are present and address the prompt more directly.
task response
Fully address the prompt by providing a more comprehensive response with clear and relevant examples to support the arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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