IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Throughout the history, people dream to live in a perfect society while they haven’t agrees how the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think to make a perfect society? What do people do to achieve an ideal society

#history #people #dream #society #haven’t #element
People
 still have a dream about a perfect
society
 and try to enhance it constantly by improving aspects of
society
. In my opinion, the most important element is that we have not actually found realistic solutions to approach a perfect community.
Education
 is of crucial importance as it lays the foundation
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the construction of an ideal
society
.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 may have
direct
Add an article
a direct
show examples
 impact on different
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 of
people
such
 as academics, mindset, knowledge, perception, and professional skill,
as well as
 on communications
society
.
Therefore
, increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 is the best way to boost the number of high-quality workers.
For instance
, thanks to Bill Gates’ Microsoft Office program,
people
 can store more information,
more
Correct word choice
and more
show examples
 material over many years without
many efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
much effort
show examples
.
Therefore
,
people
 don’t need to waste too much time,
papers
Fix the agreement mistake
paper
show examples
 and space to store.
Besides
,
this
also
 allows employees to be just as productive at home as they could be if they were sitting in front of a computer in their office. That makes the efficiency of the business increase considerately.
Additionally
, that helps members of a professional class focus on social issues
such
 as polluted environment or social evil etc. From my perspective, to have a perfect community the most important factor should be that citizens have a wise decision in electing an appropriate leader. Definitely, nations cannot develop and succeed without powerful leaders. Thanks
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
education
 developed, it has provided
society
 with many
people
 of great talent.
Then
 the elect can help the country propose optimal solutions.
For example
, they have invested in universities
like
Change preposition
by
show examples
 providing students with scholarships or
assist
Wrong verb form
assisting
show examples
 them
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 school fees. At the same time that helps students to develop the skills and knowledge employers need.
Besides
, scholarships can support them to approach
international
Correct article usage
the international
show examples
 environment and collect useful experiences.
Therefore
, in the future, they will become good citizens and bring back practical knowledge to
let
Verb problem
make
show examples
society
 better and better.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure the examples provided directly support the main points and are clearly explained.
coherence and cohesion
Add more transitions between ideas to improve the overall flow of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: