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Writing Samples
Band 4

The graph shows the percent of academic facilities in 2012 between male and female.

The graph shows the percent of academic facilities in 2012 between male and female.
#percent #facilities
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This
 bar graph illustrates the proportion of Academic
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 in the majors by male and female
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2012 measured by
percentage
. In art, the proportion of
females
 was higher than
males
 at approximately
sixty
. On the other side, in
science
Add a comma
,science
show examples
 the ratio of
Add an article
the male
a male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 was more than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at approximately
eighty
, respectively.
In addition
, it is obvious that in business the rate of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was decreased than
males
 at almost
forty
.
Moreover
, in
law
Add a comma
,law
show examples
 the
percentage
 of
females
 was lower than
males
 at exactly
forty
 Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
engineering,
this
 figure has reached its peak at approximately
eighty
 in
males
.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 in
females
 at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability in the middle of
Forty
 and
Sixty
 between
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 respectively. In art, the proportion of
females
 was higher than
males
 at approximately
sixty
. On the other side, in
science
Add a comma
,science
show examples
 the ratio of
Add an article
the male
a male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 was more than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at approximately
eighty
, respectively.
In addition
, it is obvious that in business the rate of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was decreased than
males
 at almost
forty
.
Moreover
, in
law
Add a comma
,law
show examples
 the
percentage
 of
females
 was lower than
males
 at exactly
forty
 Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
engineering,
this
 figure has reached its peak at approximately
eighty
 in
males
.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 in
females
 at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
middle
Add an article
the middle
show examples
 of
forty
 and
sixty
.
Overall
, as we have seen the graph indicates
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
percentage
 of academic members by gender in 2012.
Submitted by essraa.29 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition, moreover, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, females, males, sixty, eighty, forty with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stability" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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