IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that elderly parents ought to live at senior homes. Other believe that they should live with family members. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #parents #homes #members
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Many individuals assert that seniors should reside in old age homes,
while
 others believe that living with the family members of
this
 tenure is more apt for them. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 that love and affection are
most
Rephrase
more
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 vital for senior citizens than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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professional care. In
this
 essay, I would argue
for
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct determiner usage
that
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 seniors should spend
this
 crucial period at home only. On the one hand, challenging physical circumstances require them the
dedicated
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dedicate
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 24/7 professional support. As with growing old,
physical
Add an article
the physical
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 condition of the body
gets
Verb problem
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deteriorating
Wrong verb form
deteriorates
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,
where
Correct word choice
and
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 it needs someone urgently in many
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
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circumstances with professional
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 to cater
these
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for these
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 emergencies.
For instance
, a report published by the NHS, states that, if on time first aid treatment
such
 as
,
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apply
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 Oxygen
Nebultization
Correct your spelling
nebutization
would have
Wrong verb form
had
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 been provided in those serious conditions, 30% of the lives might
be
Wrong verb form
have been
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 saved in
last
Correct article usage
the last
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 5 years. On the flip side, to overcome
such
 challenging physical circumstances, sometimes psychological support plays a vital role too or even more effective than professional care.
At
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In
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 homely environment, where they can spend their pleasure time with kids and
adults
Fix the agreement mistake
adult
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of
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apply
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family members, they sometimes forget their misery too, in their company. They cherish those moments, which eventually
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
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 a bigger role in their health improvement, which sometimes could not be cured with medicines or professional care at old age homes.
To sum up
, I conclude that professional help is of great importance for elderly people, but it is the psychological support of family members
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in at
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at
Correct your spelling
a
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 caring environment, which is very helpful for the betterment of senior citizens who might already have gone through the long medication process, but which could not achieve the best of results for them.
Submitted by rk00604469 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly address the prompt and provide a cohesive overview of the essay.
task achievement
Support your ideas with relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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