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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development position in three companies ( IBM, Microsoft, and Apple) from 1980 to 2010.

The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development position in three companies ( IBM, Microsoft, and Apple) from 1980 to 2010.
#bar #employees #development #position #three #companies #ibm #microsoft #apple
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The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 in three companies (
IBM
, Microsoft, and
Apple
) from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
, the percentage of male employees hired for
this
position
 in all companies had
present
Replace the word
presented
show examples
 an upward trend.  
At
Change the preposition
In
show examples
 the end, 
IBM
 had the largest portion of senior development positions filled by males and
Apple
 had the least one.  In the first 15 years,
Apple
 hired the largest amount of male employees for the
position
, around 15% which was
near
Change the word
nearly
show examples
 8 times
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that of IBMI, around 2% in the first 10 years.
Then
 it dramatically increased in 1990, close to
Apple
 and Microsoft. All
Change preposition
of them
show examples
them
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 hired around 14% of
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these positions
show examples
position
 with males.  After 1990,
although
 all three companies hired more male staff for
this
position
,
IBM
 had the highest speed, with
near
Change the word
nearly
show examples
 25% in 1990 and over 60% in 2010. There was close to three times increase. Microsoft
also
 presented
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
 speed as that of
IBM
, with 10% in 1990 and over 40% in 2010.
However
,
Apple
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
hired
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 males for
this
position
 as
comparing
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 with
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two, with a slight drop in 2000 to below 20% and
then
slight
Correct article usage
a slight
show examples
 rose to 25% in 2010.
Submitted by busybee1693 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words position, ibm, apple with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "present" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • senior development positions
  • hired
  • decade
  • trend
  • peak
  • fluctuation
  • plateau
  • incremental
  • surge
  • decline
  • diversity
  • workforce
  • comparative analysis
  • corporate strategy
  • industry standard
  • gender gap
  • representation
  • demographics
  • human resources
  • career progression
  • vertical growth
  • talent acquisition
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