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Band 5.5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that government should have the responsibility. To what extend do you agree or disagree ?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
In recent years, people especia
lly children have
Accept comma addition
people, especially
 to deal with many dangerous health problem,
such
as over
Suggestion
problems
weight, poor resistance,…
Although
 there are some people believe that the
government
 should take full responsibility for
this
 problem, I think that parents and
school
also
 play very vital role in creating the issue. On the one hand, there are some reaso
n t
Suggestion
is
hat some people believe that the
government
 is the one to blame for.
Firstly
, there is lack of entert
ainm
Suggestion
a lack
the lack
ent area for children to play outdoor.
Inste
ad of b
Suggestion
outdoors
uilding park or zoo or
amu
Suggestion
the park
a park
sement park, authorities now logging many trees to keep land to build super market a
nd many high
Suggestion
a supermarket
supermarket
-rise apartments. So as the consequent,
instead
 of playing outdoor activities children will spend most of their time at home and watching TV and playing game on intern
et,
Suggestion
games
whic
h lead t
Suggestion
the internet
o many curious mental and spirit health.
Suggestion
spiritual
Secondly
, the
government
 is allowing the production of too many drinks and foods which is harmful for child’s he
alt
Suggestion
to
h
,
Suggestion
the child’s health
a child’s health
such
 as junk and fast food,… Those food will make
the
Suggestion
foods
m cause obesity.
On the other hand
, I think that parents and
school
 should
also
 take responsibility for
this
 problem. Because children spend most of their time at home so parents should supervise carefully their and make sure that they can participate in outdoor activities and limit them from eating so many foods which have fat and sugar.
Furthermore
,
school
 should educates stude
nts abou
Suggestion
educate
t the harmful effect of electronic devices and fatty foods, and organize more sports at schoolyard
such
 as football or swimming. In short, the
government
 absolutely hav
e responsibilit
Suggestion
absolutely has
y for the obesity of the youth.
However
, it is
also
 the task for parents and
school
 to help their child has better lifestyle.
Submitted by thanhtrang123453 on

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‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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