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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph compares the number of people who visited 5 attractions in Parkvale city between 1996 and 2016

The graph compares the number of people who visited 5 attractions in Parkvale city between 1996 and 2016
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The graph depicts
compartment
Correct article usage
the compartment
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 of attendance in Parkvale city’s attractions in
period
Add an article
the period
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 from 1996 to 2016.
Overall
Linking Words
, one can observe that the National Gallery faced up a sharp increase after 2000,
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
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 the Indigenous Art Centre
also
Linking Words
 saw a growth
of
Change preposition
in
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 visitors. At the same time, there had been a fall in
amount
Add an article
the amount
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 of people who
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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visited the aquarium and zoo,
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
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museum attendance experienced stability
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 the end of the research.
According to
Linking Words
 the line graph, both National Gallery and Indigenous Art Centre had undergone gradually in the same manner starting with approximately 300 and 0 continuously up to 2008 when they declined from their route, reaching the end with 950 and 300 respectively. The State Zoo and aquarium started decreasing with 300 and 450 in 1996.
Then
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 had a resembling trend until 2002, but by the
end
Add a comma
,end
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 both of them ended up on about 100 visitors substantially. At the same time, there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
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stability in
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
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 of
welcomed
Replace the word
welcome
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 by museum attendees, so
average
Correct article usage
the average
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 number stood
by
Change preposition
at
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 450 for the entire timescale of
investigation
Correct article usage
the investigation
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stability" was used 2 times.
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